There’s a God which exists and its sole duty is to facilitate our sleep. Don’t laugh, I’m serious.
When I was 19 I had an alarm clock that sounded like a transvestite.
Halcyon days!
No matter how hard it tried, this thing couldn’t wake me up.
Fast forward to 2026 and I find myself waking up rather too easily. Even worse, I’m wide awake as soon as I open my eyes.
I remember the good old days when I’d wake up bleary eyed and antisocial, bouncing off walls and making mono-syllabic grunts, reminiscent of a troglodytic throwback emerging from a cave. I’d arrive at work hoping nobody would talk to me for the first hour. The place I was working at had a canteen that sold orange juice, toast and cheese muffins.
I always felt better after a cheesy muff.
Pardon the pun.
Today when I woke up I tried to prolong the sleep by rolling over. It sort of worked and it’s still one of the best things about being human when you can do that. Revelling in a few minutes of extra rest as your head sinks back into the pillow may well just be the 8th wonder of the world.
I managed it twice this morning, thinking I’d done rather well, until I looked at the clock and saw 7:14AM staring back at me.
On a Sunday that is not a lie-in.
Maybe you just don’t need as much sleep as you get older. Either that or your brain just boots up instantly.
People sometimes say to me, “When you wake up, do you feel like shit for the first hour?”
So I’m guessing a lot of people feel like this when they wake up, otherwise they wouldn’t ask the question.
I just feel hungry and rush to the kettle. The rest takes care of itself.
Sometimes I do something else before eating, like writing this post in my blog. It makes food feel a bit more rewarding 🙂
On Friday I watched this film about murder in a small fishing village. There was this weirdo inbred type, which you often get in small towns. He gave this woman a lift in his car after a night out at a bar. They were having great fun until he opened his glove box and she saw a gun.
When they pulled up outside his house, he opened the boot of his car and she noticed blood stains on the floor. After deducing this guy wasn’t marriage material, she quite rightly legged it and tried to hide amongst a bunch of crates.
You know in films when they talk for too long and end up being done in by the murderer? Well, she never made this mistake. She just ran at him with a thing you stab fish with and got him straight in the jugular.
Absolutely brutal.
I’ve never seen anyone mess about any less. I just thought to myself, “She is not f*cking about when it comes to self defence.”
That’s how you do it 🙂
On that note I’m off to fantasise about a 10 hour sleep.
Well, you’ve got to have a dream 😉