Freshly Spilled Thoughts

I’ve never gone down the PT rabbit hole, but I still get people asking me if I’ll be their personal trainer.

I’ve never done it because I didn’t want to turn a hobby/passion into a job.

Training is something I keep for myself. It’s one of the few things that’s stayed steady through everything, no matter what else was going on.

Got me thinking though…

… if I ever dated a personal trainer, at least they wouldn’t ask me to train them.

But to be honest, I find most PT types a bit too obsessive with it all and who wants to live their whole life only eating chicken and asparagus (Not I, although writing that has just made me hungry). I train because I like it, not so I can call myself anything.

Side Note: Always makes me laugh on TV when someone says they’re a personal trainer and they look like a chip.

Last night when I was out I heard my name… in FULL and it made me sound like I was a famous influencer or something (who says your name in full including your surname? That should never be allowed in public).

I don’t know how this person recognised me as I was minding my own business and I haven’t seen them for years.

Do you know something…

It was like I’d only seen them yesterday.

We shot the breeze for a while and it was good to catch up.

This persons brother rang while I was talking (I know the brother but same scenario again) and asked me if I wanted to speak to him on the phone.

I declined, as it seemed a bit strange not seeing someone for years and then being put on the phone to someone else I hadn’t seen for years, while the first person listened in.

Too much like Surprise Surprise with Cilla Black for me… in that moment.

I got the sense they seemed a bit put out by my rejection of the offer to talk to their brother (lol), but other than that it was all very pleasant and it was nice to see them.

Nice but odd, as it’s a jolt to the senses when you haven’t seen someone for ages and they suddenly appear like that. A bit like a surprise birthday cake… only there wasn’t one.

Reminds me of when I worked at a place and this guy I sat next to left abruptly. Nobody knew why he’d left and it was like a mini office mystery at the time.

I never saw him again until I was on holiday in Tenerife two years later. I went into a random bar to order a drink late at night and the barman said, “Alright Dean”, in a familiar way that seemed to suggest I often pop into bars in Tenerife when I haven’t got anything else to do.

It was almost as if he’d been expecting me.

I asked him if he liked it in Tenerife and he replied, “Better than working in an office in Shirley isn’t it.”

Twas hard to argue otherwise as he had a point.

Absolutely bizarre. What are the chances though?

Bonkers how things like that tend to happen when you’re not thinking about them at all.

The world works in mysterious ways. On that bombshell, I have got to skidaddle.

It was 1995 and I had two things I loved.

1) A Hot Hatch
2) A Dance CD with this song on.

Listen to it now and you may go, “This is just a cheesy dance track” but I had a magnificent pair of speakers and it picked up something in this song that was not of this world.

You had to hear it to appreciate and I did to the point where I felt euphoric. I used to unapologetically drive around as an excuse to listen to it in 1995 without a care in the world…

If you could bottle up the feeling, people would be lining up around the block for it and a tiny piece of my heart stays reserved for this tune.

Late at night I would also listen to Jamming by Bob Marley and that sounded great as well. Just a lovely thing, especially in the Summer. Some tracks by Finley Quaye on his first album also convey the same kind of vibe.

In fact one day I had a track playing in my car from the Maverick album at a set of traffic lights on the way home and two women crossing the road danced across the road to the song in the most unscripted way possible.

I just laughed to myself and thought, “This is what life is all about. Those people are happy and I f*cking love this song”.

Years ago when the internet was still wearing diapers, online dating was in its infancy. This much is true, but it was also better for it.

Now all people really have is mediocre dating apps and things where you swipe right or left to hook up. It’s devoid of soul if you ask me.

Anyway, back then there was a site called Love@Lycos and they advertised it on TV. I created a profile on there, which I never took very seriously at first, but it wasn’t bad.

I never even put a photo of me on there to begin with and I still got messages. I had a cheesy flash imagination that read: “SEXY GIRLS APPLY WITHIN”. It looked very similar to this…

Imagine doing that now.

I didn’t meet many women off Love@Lycos but that’s just because I’m fussy and I only ever met people I thought I clicked with. I’m still the same to be honest ’cause if I’m not feeling it then it’s not worth the effort.

Do you know what my cousin does?

He lines up 3 at a time, meets those three and then goes out with the best one out of the three.

Every woman he dates has a 1 in 3 chance of ending up with him (for a while at least). I know it’s a two-way street (or is that a 3-way? Let’s not go there), but whatever street he ends up in, this is how it works out for him. Maybe he’s a genius.

I think this works well if you’re only bothered about someone passing the pulse test.

These days they want you verified holding up a picture of your passport and a recent blood sample just to confirm you’re not a cyborg. Oh they do make me laugh with everything they require now just to create a simple profile.

It was of its time and I’ve never seen anything quite like it since. That is a sad thing because the apps replaced conversation (with visuals), which is already a dying art form.

In those days you had to get to know someone, idiosyncrasies and all, as oppose to just adding them on Facebook to see who they know that you may know and collecting them like Pokemon.

(I had a friend that collected women on Tinder like Pokemon. You think I’m joking).

How would I ever convey my undeniable brilliance on an app as shallow as Tinder. It would be impossible I tell thee.

They removed all the mystery and what it is to be human and they replaced it with selfies. Narcissus approves.

I did my research, and do you know what the nearest thing to old dating sites like that is now? Twitter/X.

Seriously, that’s all people have got now. Something run by Elon Musk, which is fine if you’re happy with the odd Hitler salute to accompany you on your dating journey.

So if you want to meet someone now you can either go the internet route and burn your finger out swiping right, imagining you’re playing Snap until something goes ‘Ta da, you have a match” or you can chat someone up choosing plums in the supermarket (the organic way). The choice is yours.

Personally I think you’re better off going for some plums (and that isn’t a euphemism).

Sad though isn’t it. Chat/Dating sites are officially dead and so with it the more innocent and engaging times of t’internet.

I am really enjoying this weather.

I hope it pisses it down forever just so we can really absorb that feeling of unrelenting slashery.

You know…

…the ones that mushrooms experience.

Tra la la.

Xmas Order: 

1 T-Shirt
1 Umbrella
1 Bottle Of Undying Optimism 

Funnily enough I was talking to a frog this morning and he feels the same way.

Off to Tenerife on his hols this Christmas courtesy of Froggitt Airways.

I highly recommend this wine. Terra Roja Malbec.

About £15 a bottle when you’re out. Not sure what it’s priced at in the shops…

If you’re into smooth, it ticks a box!

I love art. I like tattoos as well, but I can’t say I’m really into them on necks or breasts unless it’s so artistic they could be displayed in the Louvre (I’m okay with them anywhere else).

Especially if it’s a bird like a Swallow.

What’s all that about and how does it transpire?

“Open your eyes. I got the tattoo. The one of the swallow on the leftie”

“Woo, it looks amazing, like it could just fly off your breast and migrate or something. Wait, the swallow isn’t symbolic of anything is it?”

“No. Why do you say that?”

“Ohhhkkayy. You a fan of Bill Oddie?”

“Not really?”

“The Goodies?”

“The whaties?”

“Springwatch?”

“Nah”

“Never mind. Happy?”

“God yes. I’m so pleased with my decision to show everyone my interest in ornithology”

“I see! What bird is next?”

“I’m not having a bird. I’m having my date of birth put on my neck”

“Lordy Christ! Bill Oddie just rang and he said couldn’t you have a tattoo of a red robin instead?”

This is about the right balance in my opinion (approved):

The other week I was watching A Place in The Sun and they went to view a property that had a lemon tree in the front garden.

I don’t know why, but my interest level went up significantly when lovely lemons were on display.

Imagine walking out into the front garden, picking a lemon off the tree and having lemon water whenever you wanted.

It would be the gift that kept on giving.

“Do not disturb me. I am picking lemons from my private lemon tree, thank you very much.”

I think it should be a pre-requisite that every property abroad comes with a lemon tree included as part of the deal.

No point otherwise.

“I loved the property, but where’s the lemon tree?”

“It doesn’t have one.”

“Unthinkable. Plant one now and give me a call in 10 years as I’m otherwise very interested.”

If ever you’re having a bad day, always reflect on the fact it could be worse.

You could be living in Slough, working at Wernham Hogg with David Brent playing guitar, singing Free Love Freeway at meetings…

You know, it’s funny, I was thinking earlier that what makes something REALLY special is not where you are but the people you’re with.

Some things are pretty much priceless.

Take this day for example. Here I am flanked either side by two of my friends in a place we literally stumbled across by accident… and it turned out to be a beautiful day…

If they weren’t there it would have been ‘nice’. With them it was a day I will remember for a long time, as all the ducks lined up in a row.

And that’s the thing about people that matter to you. Being with them brings a bit of magic to your day you can’t put a price on.

In life you have acquaintances which I’m a bit MEH about. Who needs loads of those. I used to waste a lot of time talking to ‘acquaintances’ but I don’t do that so much these days.

Then you have friends who are like solid gold ingots you can count on one hand.

Then you have family which is an unconditional thing.

Then there’s the whole LOVE thing and if you’re very, very lucky, you meet someone who ‘gets you’ (and vice versa) and you create your own unique universe together which is a bit like Terabithia.

Yeah, I know, I bang on about Terabithia a fair bit but I don’t care cause I’m the narrator and I have creative licence.

Here’s another one I didn’t think about much at the time…

When I was a kid my dad used to cycle a lot. He once cycled 140 miles in one day like it was nothing. Normal people just don’t do things like that. They run to a bus stop wheezing and trip up over their shoelaces.

About 5 years ago I started cycling again before trying my hand at running which has become something I became determined to adapt to and one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It’s still a work in progress but now I can run, which in the book of Dean, means a lot to me.

I was initially inspired by an overweight security guard chasing a shoplifter, one day. I thought to myself, “I’d quite like to be able to run after that shoplifter as well”. It was a daydreaming running fantasy and I can still picture her now; she was slight of build, wearing a red coat and she ran like the wind. This security guard looked more like he had a years membership to Dunkin Donuts… and he ran laboriously after her down this really long road. I just stood there watching this turn of events to see who would come out on top.

That bit was quite funny as the security guard came back knackered with a pork chop she’d nicked. Was it really worth it???!!!

I couldn’t decide which of the two to cheer for, but on balance I think that the woman had earned her pork chop to be honest with you. She threw it on the floor in the end so she could get away (lol).

This notion/fantasy materialised into action one day when a jogger ran past me on a gravel track I was walking on. I had a twinge of running jealousy bubble up to the surface of my consciousness. Now I rarely get jealous about anything, it’s just not in my nature, but that day I did so I tried impromptu running around the same track wearing normal clothes. Eventually I started catching up with him even though I was moving at a sedate pace (he was very slow) and I had to stop as it looked like I was following him (lol)

Over time I went from that to being able to run quicker than a dog chasing me when I’ve got sausages hanging out of my back pocket.

I’m proud of my accomplishment to date, but I’m not resting on my laurels.

Anyway, back to my dad…

This day was his birthday and he got a cake with a bicycle on. I never realised it meant so much to him that he wanted it on a cake.

I know it’s a bit blurry with shit lighting, but how lovely is that.

The cake tasted quite good as well.

A joke about Jesus and one about a turtle being mugged…

The Jesus Joke:  

Judas:  Still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: Yeah, the last supper.

Jesus: The what?

Judas: Supper. Normal supper with the fellas.

🙂

The Turtle Joke: 

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

How to damage your foot in under 2 minutes whilst obliviously recording a tour of the villa in Lanzarote… 

The pain was quantifiable.

How’s this for peculiar (this is the second time this has happened).

Earlier today I got a message on my phone as follows:

“Hello! Saw an advert with this number in Back Alley Music. Are instrument lessons still on offer?”

Back Alley Music sounds a bit dodgy doesn’t it. It seems I am well versed in more than one instrument.

I wonder if they think I’m like Bill Bailey and I can also play the typewriter. It’s a rare skill.

“Yeah I met him down a back alley. He’s got a lovely accordion.”

Normally I would file this as spam but last time I had this woman keep asking me for advice about her clarinet. She followed up with me 3 times so I think it was legit.

Her name was Vera and another music shop recommended me, apparently. I obviously mix in esteemed music retail circles.

I’m a devil for the detail 😉

Anyway, I’m thinking of responding to people and going along with this.

So from now as far as other people are concerned, I’m a real whizz with a trombone. I haven’t decided how good I am with a clarinet yet but some people say exemplary.

What will they do when they find out I can only play the triangle?

To be continued…

Look at this little fella. You can’t help but love him…

Be still my beating heart.

In other news…

I was dismayed to see the voting public have not got a clue and voted Wax out early on IACGMOOH.

There’s only one female comedian I would put on a similar level as Ruby Wax and that was Joan Rivers.

I don’t regret missing seeing many people perform but I’d put Rivers on that short list. I had the chance when she was alive and I somehow missed it.

How can you keep Martin Kemp in longer than Ruby Wax? That should be something that should never happen (and don’t get me started on soap stars)

Now I love music and I quite like Gold by Spandau…

…but comedy beats music unless you’re a megastar like Jacko or Beyonce.

Even then I’d still probably take comedy.

You don’t get many opportunities to keep a legend of advancing years on a programme on a daily basis, so Ruby going out earlier is basically a tragic event.

I rest my case.

Apprentice Australia shone like a beacon when Ross Noble was on it, which basically proves comedy even beats business as well.

TL;DR: Comedy basically tops anything unless its Spaghetti Bolognese or Valpolicella and that’s only because you can’t eat or drink a comedian.

Well, not legally anyway.

I don’t like people posting endless selfies (especially if it involves glasses of Pimms) which is why I  banned myself short term from it two posts ago, but it’s Friday so the rules don’t apply today. You can even do handstands outside on a Friday and nobody can say anything (it’s an unwritten rule).

Here I am in a car park (not my natural habitat)…

Ooh I do look very serious there don’t I. Fancy your chances? 😉

20 days until Christmas now…

So far I’ve managed to avoid Slade/Noddy Holder. My cup of joy brimmeth over.

I did turn the radio on to hear a bit of panhandling for donkey adoptions. They have no shame what they ask you to send money for at this time of year and I think half of it goes to the CEO to pay for golfing holidays to Portugal.

“Please send money and adopt a donkey” (I’ve heard it all now!). I love animals, but I’m not going to adopt Muffin the Mule or Dave the Donkey, thanks.

Something unexpected happened last night, so stay tuned for my next update and you may be able to prevent the same thing happening to you.

Until then, take care out there you crazy kids.

Anyone remember this song by Jamie T, called Sheila? It came out of nowhere and somehow he managed to twist Bob Hoskins arm behind his back and convince him to be in the music video.

2005-2007 was a great time for music (Arctic Monkeys/Killers, even Kaiser Chiefs sounded okay then lol).

I first saw him perform this on Jonathan Ross and I still think it’s fucking brilliant…

This is the official vid with Bob Hoskins (same song)

If you ever need the antidote to Ed Sheeran, bang this on and you’ll feel more like yourself again within 20 minutes, so it works quite fast.

4 drinking horns out of 5.

Side Note: While I remember, there’s a film called “A Room For Romeo Brass” with Bob Hoskins in. Paddy Considine is also in it. It’s an interesting film about two kids who are friends and this whack job bloke played by Considine who seems like a harmless simpleton, but he’s actually sort of dangerous. To this day I’ve yet to meet anyone else who has seen this film because they’re too busy watching shit like Love Island (lol). I should also add it is Bob Mortimers favourite film of all time (can you get higher praise?).

For anyone interested here’s the trailer:

The morning after the night before…

That’s my last selfie for a while. Nobody wants to keep seeing pictures of me on a blog and I think the worst thing is people posting the same kind of picture over and over (you know, the ones where they are drinking Pimms at airports/parties etc. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

Too many pictures and the song, “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you” starts playing in the background  🙂

I got chatted up by a Crow while I was out.

Politely declined.

Happy Wednesday y’all. Hump day is here again.

The Independent recently rated Philip Seymour Hoffman as the best actor of the 21st century (to date).

Always a tough one putting someone at the top of the pile.

Especially when you have the likes of Daniel Day Lewis and James Gandolfini in the mix.

That’s not to say I would argue much with putting Hoffmann in the top spot and I wish he was still around just to see what else he would have done.

Him and Matt Dillon are probably best of that generation.

Is there a film much better than “There Will Be Blood” with Lewis in though?

Gandolfini was something else in Sopranos and I also liked him in “The Drop”. He was even in True Romance and who can forget that film with the whole ensemble.

In the end it’s all subjective.

Hoffmann’s best film? I don’t know the answer, but what I do know is that genius often comes at a cost.

There are countless examples of this…

Leonard Rossiter, Gandolfini, Robin Williams, Hoffmann. Even people like Prior and Wilder.

I mean look at Prior – at one point he was even freebasing and walking down the street on fire. Madness.

It’s what made them great and why people still remember them (not the on fire bit).

For me though, the best actors can make you laugh one minute and cry the next.

The best two to do that in my book are Robin Williams and John Candy. Their vulnerability is what lets the audience and anyone else in, for that matter. That’s always a risk but it’s a risk you have to take if you want anyone to really know you.

Candy: “Well, you think what you want about me; I’m not changing. I like… I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. ‘Cause I’m the real article. What you see is what you get.”

Williams: “You’ve got to be crazy. It’s too late to be sane. Too late. You’ve got to go full-tilt bozo. ‘Cause you’re only given a little spark of madness, and if you lose that, you’re nothing”

Isn’t it funny how they call menthol & eucalyptus lozenges, “Fisherman’s Friend”.

Apparently they started necking these things in 1865 in the deep icelandic fishing grounds, and did so for their invigorating properties.

“Björn, have you tried these? I’ve never felt so invigorated, it’s gone right through to my boots.”

“By Jove, you’re right Gunnar. I also detect the wondrous addition of eucalyptus”

“You’re not mistaken Björn. I’m thinking of putting these into a handy packet and selling them to our friends.”

I’m eating one now and I don’t think it’s stretching the truth too far if I label myself a Fisherman’s Friend, ’cause my grandfather was actually a fishmonger for 50 years 🙂

You don’t get lozenges for other trades though do you?

No (I seem to have unwittingly turned some of these into a Carry On script):

Accountants Accomplice

When things just aren’t adding up, pop an Accountants Accomplice into your mouth to put the pep back into your step.

Plumbers Bestie

When your u-bend isn’t quite what you’d hoped, just reach for a Bestie to clear your pipes.

Electricians Invigorator (suits you)

If you’re having a shocking day, just take some time out to eat an invigorator. It’ll put the spark back into your work.

Mechanics Mouth Lozenge

The days a big wrench. We get it. Grease your wheels and get back into gear with a mechanics mouth lozenge.

Welders Gummie

You spend all day sticking things together at ridiculous temperatures. These won’t help with that, but they’ll stop you falling apart.

I am mildly disappointed that changing peanut brands will have no impact upon the brilliance I currently display, so I’ve cancelled my order and I’m going to continue eating KP dry roasted. You know you’ve reached the summit when no peanut on earth is capable of making you more brilliant than you already are 😉

I don’t believe the bit about some peanuts making you happier, that is surely fake news…