Freshly Spilled Thoughts

I noticed something the other day…

It’s true what they say: “A picture is worth a thousand words.”

Allow me to explain…

We’re living in a short attention span economy.

You might blame TikTok/Social Media or it could just be people have so much content vying for their attention that a wall of text just isn’t going to be able to compete with a reel or a photo.

So now I just send pictures of me swinging around a pole instead. It’s going down well so far but the high heels are taking some getting used to.

Speaking of high heels…

There was a normal looking bloke on TV the other day who had a world record for the fastest marathon run completed in high heels. This is no word of a lie.

Imagine that… running over 20 miles wearing them. He must have consumed at least 6 cans or Irn-Bru before attempting such a thing.

If I held that world record I would sign up with Cameo immediately and position myself as the High Heeled Marathon Champion that loves to wish people happy birthday.

The guy in Inbetweeners has made £1.6 Million pounds doing this already. He records most of them lying in bed.

People can say what they like about the internet, but for anyone with a sprinkling of influence, the world is your lobster.

Just ask Arthur Daley.

Zante ’98 (I’m in the middle in the top photo and far left on the bottom one)…

There’s a new piece of kit at my local gym called “The Perfect Squat Machine”.

A bold claim if ever there was one.

Biomechanically it’s surprisingly good, but it’s also hard going.

Stuff rocks in your back pocket, hard.

Half the women in the gym these days are obsessed with anything that targets their glutes.

You know on Deal or No Deal they call it “The Dream Factory”?

Well, my gym should just be renamed to: “The Glute Factory” as that would be pretty accurate.

Even a female personal trainer said to me the other day, “Most of the women training in gyms now are all about THIS”.

She then turned around and pointed at her own ass as some kind of testimonial proof.

As I got on the machine, a woman looked quite disappointed that I was already on it as she rocked up with her water bottle. If anything gets in the way of glute development they do have a tendency to get quite disgruntled.

Turns out she wasn’t after it at all. And I know why – I have big red compression marks across my shoulders today because of the beasting this machine gave me.

I got carried away again, even though I never feel like I am at the time.

24 HOURS later you’re walking around like John Wayne, wondering why you fell for the lure of the Perfect Squat Machine to begin with.

You know you have problems when you hang onto the stair bannister like your life depends upon it 🙂

The only TV show I’ve truly been sad about when it ended was Sopranos.

It sort of kept me company over the years. At first I felt like I had discovered it myself. I turned the TV on late one night in the 90’s and this gangster programme came on. I had no idea what it was but I found it slow-burn compelling viewing. After a couple of series I was hooked.

I used to work with this woman called Kerry, who is the only person I’ve ever met that was as into it as myself.

We’d talk about Sopranos being one of the greatest TV shows ever made.

Indeed it is… and it was.

** Spoiler Alert – I don’t normally do this but Sopranos ended in 2007 so anyone reading this has had nearly 19 years to watch it. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t read any further **

I hated the ending at the time, but it was fiendishly smart of David Chase to let the viewer interpret what happened when everything faded to black.

Some people thought the viewer got whacked and not Tony. Others believed that a hitman took Tony out.

There’s even a school of thought that none of it happened at all and it was some kind of dreamscape.

Discussion forums online love that kind of thing. We’ll never know the actual answer and it doesn’t really matter. Chase intended it to be that way.

In real life mafia you’re here one minute and gone the next. That’s why they are so paranoid. I watched a programme once about one guy that was so on edge, he ended up chasing after a vacuum cleaner salesman down the road and bumping him off. It’s enough to put you off selling Dysons isn’t it. Another one used to sleep in a secret bedroom that he accessed by crawling through an oven (of all things).

Imagine going home and being so shit scared, you think crawling through an oven to go to bed is the way to live your best life (lol). I love the idea of going through a wardrobe into Narnia but you can keep your pizza oven that leads to the main bedroom.

Gandolfini was definitely one of the best actors of that era and probably up there with Brando. I suppose we should be thankful he was here long enough to complete that body of work, but it still seems too fleeting to me.

It takes a lot for me to reach out to someone these days.

I used to do it without really thinking. Some might say even with an edge of excitement.

I used to think it was nice to be spontaneous, but energy has its own vibration and you can’t just fire things off willy-nilly.

Because of this, on the whole, I now believe things that are meant to happen will not pass us by if our minds are open to it anyway.

Do I think certain things are already mapped out for us? Kind of.

I guess I am just a bit more philosophical about life now.

I still think you have to do something for the universe to agree or disagree though.

Nobody ever had a call from Camelot as a result of staring at the wallpaper. Know what I mean.

Anyway… today gave me a bit to think about.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

Sometimes I see that the boy is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now it feels like life is just too much
You’ve got the love I need to see me through

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you

Sometimes I feel like saying, “Lord, I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

Time after time I say, “Oh Lord what’s the use?”
Time after time I say, “This just won’t do”
But sooner or later in life the things you love you lose
Just like before, I know I call on you

Justin Lee Collins was once big news on TV. He had the Friday Night Project with Alan Carr and all those “Bring Back…” shows, where he tried to get the original cast back together at the end.

When he did the Grange Hill one I was hoping he’d be able to get hold of Gonch (my favourite ever Grange Hill character) but alas it was not to be. Nobody can get hold of the actor that played Gonch which makes him even more mysterious and adds to the myth and legend of the man. It’s like trying to find a unicorn out in the wild.

Gonch with Hollo using his mum’s bread in the cupboard, then selling toast to classmates is still stuff of legend as far as I’m concerned…

I can see how some people may have found his energy too much, but I always liked him and thought he was good value.

Then 2010 came along and he was a bit of a tit after a  relationship, and possibly even in it, which instantly villified him and ensured we didn’t really see him on the TV screens ever again.

Which I think is a shame. Everyone deserves at least one chance unless they’ve done something truly terrible and let’s face it, most humans have been a tit in one form of another at some point in their lives.

Cut a long story short, reading his randomness on Twitter is one of the main reasons I even stay on there. I’m not really a social media person, I prefer my own thoughts without things being rammed into my face about where someone parked or the latest boring bit of political news. I only want politicians to stay in if they can do funny things like duck well when shoes are thrown at them by the audience.

Trump is also basically in the comedy business, but he doesn’t like to talk about it and is using politics as a foil. Instead he just does totally insane things after breakfast like deciding he wants to snap up Greenland while it’s available at a discount.

If I do watch the news it’s only to see if there’s been a good murder and even those are hard to come by these days.

Going back to Justin Lee Collins, he has a similar surreal sense of humour to me and looks at the world in a slightly different way.

I should really only follow JLC, Ross Noble and Bob Mortimer, come to think of it.

And he likes the underdog in the form of Wimpy, which is all tongue-in-cheek and a bit silly, but I like that as well.

Bring back JLC and give peace a chance. Everyone loves a good Wimpy.

You know those sleeps you have as a kid that are so good you don’t want to move in the morning. Obviously, that makes you late for whatever you’re doing that day, but you’re a kid at the time so who cares.

As an adult those ‘sleeps you tell people about’ (lol nice segue there Dean) are a bit harder to come by.

Thankfully I’ve never really had too many problems getting to sleep. I just don’t think of anything, (which comes easily to me :)) and I’m off into the land of nod before you can shake a pillow.

So I’m not talking about ‘normal sleep’ here, this is for people that have aspirations of taking it to the next level. If you crack this, you can then plan day trips to the moon and that sort of thing.

So without further ado, here’s what I’ve found so far that makes your sleep so good, you’ll want to show off about it.

1) Exercise – Pretty much a non-negotiable. I tested this out and you have to do some kind of intense exercise that day to set this up (I do running or some kind of cardio + weights on the same day). I think your body goes into a deeper recovery mode and releases growth hormone (something along these lines).

2) L-Tryptophan – 1 x 500mg capsule can be enough. 1000mg is fine as well. If you’re taking one, take it preferably on the evening. L-Tryptophan basically increases melatonin levels and also acts as a mood booster, which will make the postman or the milkman think you’ve either won the lottery or have a new love interest. It’s just an amino acid so you won’t turn into The Incredible Hulk or anything or grow an extra leg.

3) No Alcohol – Either don’t drink any alcohol (the best) or have a very small amount if you have any at all. If you have a glass of wine or something, this still works but I wouldn’t recommend it. If you go mad and drink Oliver Reed under the table, your body won’t go into a deep REM sleep cycle and you’ll have shagged up any hope of a beautiful nights sleep. If you held a gun to my head I would say stick to the Volvic.

Tonight was cold, wet and miserable… but she’s good with the kids.

Chortle… the old gags are the best (don’t blame me for that joke, blame Lee Mac).

The devilishly handsome bloke in the photo is actually me and not an AI doppelganger.

At 12 O’Clock I will turn into a pumpkin. You heard it here first.

A song just came on the radio and it’s sent me back about 25 years even though it’s now over 35 years old…

It’s one of those songs that I always forget all about until the next time I hear it….

There She Goes by The La’s, which is up there with Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne, but for different reasons:

Enjoy your stay in 1990.

Every time I buy a packet of Kallo Organic lightly salted wholegrain low fat rice cakes (JESUS, what a tongue twister that is), I open them and get carried away. They seem so inconsequential that you can just plough through them like a farmer in a field.

LOL it’s absolutely bloody fatal.

“Yeah, I bought these because they are healthy and low in calories?”

“Really? How many in a pack? About 30 or something?”

“Yeah. I guess”

“How many do you eat in one sitting? Two? Three?”

“Erm. 30 in a pack you say?

I have to stop buying them I think. It’s like a cocaine addict saying they’re fine with one line and then ending up with his face buried in a mountain of the stuff like Al Pacino in Scarface.

Excuse me, I just OD’d on Rice cakes. What can I say, I’m living on the edge 😉

Sometimes I miss the old gym crew. It was like Cheers but with weights at the time…

We all look mad in this photo.

So much fun. Hard… but fun.

That gym now costs about £135 a month to be a member so the clientele would be somewhat different.

I’m still a member.

Wow… I totally forgot this picture being taken. Summer 2025…

“I Forgot What Photos Were Taken Last Summer” 🙂

At this time of year, during brass monkeys cold weather, there is something extra special about hot showers.

The bit where they end isn’t as good, but there’s a sweet spot where you feel lovely and warm and it’s at that point I say to myself, “I have reached Nirvana”

Unfortunately it only lasts 5 minutes, but it’s good while it lasts.

Extra points if you do stretches while you’re there (multi-tasking).

I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one that thinks phones have got too BIG.

If you want to pick up a new phone now, you basically have to carry a slab around with you.

Does anyone remember when the thing was to try to get them as tiny as possible? I quite liked being able to hold it in one hand, as the bishop once said to the actress.

Smut and jokes aside, I liked it when you could put a phone in your pocket instead of a rucksack. It was more like a secret weapon back then, only you could send and receive messages on it. I felt more empowered with a basic phone than I do with one you can put a shit ton of apps on.

Eventually we’ll all just be carrying televisions around with us and calling them phones 🙂

Don’t get me wrong – I get it. I know we can never go backwards and that people now think YouTube, Spotify, Instagram, Facebook and Amazon IS the internet.

I spent quite some time looking to see what new compact phones were available that were still decent and to be honest there aren’t many of them.

Which is something of a dilemma when you come to upgrade.

The really small ones are too small (I’m talking Unihertz Jelly 3.0 inch which won’t be large enough to satisfy most consumers).

And the next ones up are just too big.

Where is Goldilocks when you need her? You know, the one that’s ‘just right’.

Is bigger always better? I’m not so sure, but consumers vote with their wallets so that means people are clearly loving having a big one at the moment.

The Two Hander is very much a thing in 2026. lol the Two Hander as I’ve just dubbed it.

I went into Birmingham’s Chinese Quarter over the weekend. I’m no expert on these things but apparently number 37 on the Menu is the one to go for 😉

I don’t really need the hustle and bustle of the city to get my kicks and would always gladly trade you countryside pubs for it. I prefer the chilled out nature of people that live in those areas as well and you don’t need a stab proof vest.

There’s one place in the Chinese Quarter one of my mates keeps banging on about, which is supposed to be an amazing place to eat, so next time I see him I’m going to find out what exactly that is and that’s where I’ll go next time I’m up there. Probably 2027 then (lol).

It seems I made a new fan to the right of me in this photo. Good day to you Sir, I’ve preserved you for prosperity (or at least until this blog sputters out).

Monday has just sneaked up on us like a thief in the night and Bob Geldof is nowhere to be seen.

I’m still a couple of caffeinated drinks away from being fully in the flow.

But the show goes on…

Monday. Here we are. Hurrah (cup of joy etc).

Someone remind me to write about Everwood at some point (not a euphemism).

Six things I could never do without

• Laughter
• Exercise
• Music
• Good conversation
• A mind that keeps me on my toes

That’s 5. The sixth one isn’t a thing. It’s a feeling.

Rolo playing Peekaboo…

I had the most amazing night sleep, like the ones when you have when you’re a teenager when you practically go into hibernation even though the universe wants you to do boring things like A Levels. As I was awaking from my slumber, a song by The Carpenters was playing in perfect pitch.

Back in my college days I could never get up on time so I had two alarms I’d set. One was a normal *Beep Beep* style one and the next one was an alarm clock that talked to you which I think I bought from Argos.

It was very camp and it would start off nice and quiet saying, “It’s time to get up now”.

A minute or so would go by and it would say nearly the same thing again, only slightly louder: “It really is time to get up”

After the third reminder it changed what it was saying, got MUCH louder and began to sound really pissed off with me. It was a very disciplinarian alarm clock, all things considered.

I always ignored him because I’m an anti-authority rebel like that, but it was so loud it woke up everyone else in the house.

Ironically, this was the thing that actually woke me up, much to everyone elses chagrin.

HA HA, it’s still funny thinking about it…

“Camp Transvestite Sounding Alarm Clock for Sale. It won’t wake you up, but everyone else will be so pissed off with it, they’ll wake you up instead.”

Overall it was good value for money. 8 out of 10.

Many moons ago one of the first jobs I had was at a Gas company. We were all temping at the time and we were on a desk of 5. There was an older woman that used to run a pub, who also regularly played Bingo and she kept winning money. She won so often that we even jokingly talked about taking up Bingo ourselves (minus the blue rinse).

There was also a guy I sat opposite who was super talented and went on to run an animation company. The other two were already together and we all got on like a house on fire. I only worked there part time as I had another job in the afternoon, so I used to rush from there to an I.T. job later in the day.

Looking back, we were all over qualified for the menial job we were doing and it was such an unlikely turn of events that we should all be in such close proximity. The guy that later went on to run the animation company was one of the brightest people I’ve ever met and the other two were no slouches who already had degrees. I honestly don’t know how we ended up working there really.

When they realised how well we all got on, they inevitably split us up which is something they used to do often in offices. Getting on with each other = Less Productivity. I ended up facing a wall (good way to shut me up) and I left to work at the I.T. place full time, but I always missed those guys. If I had my time over again I’d have stayed longer just for the bants, but when you’re on the same desk the chemistry is different.

In those days we didn’t have social media and not many people had mobile phones, so I lost touch with them until everyone decided Facebook was a good idea.

Those two I worked with back then have now been together for 30 years. What an amazing love story that restores my faith in humanity (lol).

And here they are (bless):