Freshly Spilled Thoughts

What is this sorcery? Blue skies on a mid November morning.

Surely not, dear Watson.

As Autumn still threatens to throw beams of sunlight through its branches, let’s celebrate this anomaly 🙂

Happy Monday…

I don’t watch many reality shows but I caught a bit of Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here last night, just as they arrived into camp.

The helicopter bit on the way in was so staged, the way they pretended to recognise fellow Z Listers. Reminds me of The Voice when they go “Press The Button”. I don’t like anything that isn’t authentic/insults my intelligence.

Martin Kemp still thinks he’s auditioning for a position in a boy band. Ruby Wax is different isn’t she. I know she’s a bit like Marmite to some; I can’t help but like her. Kelly Brook turned up with her top shelf on display and that rapper H(Aitch?) fits the cheeky chappy role.

Overall a pretty energetic bunch I thought.

With the sky diving, you only need to panic when the person assisting you starts screaming because the parachute won’t open. One of my mates did a sky dive about 10 years ago and he broke his leg on the landing without realising.

He borrowed a bit of cream (presumably for muscle aches) and did his job (very active) for a week before finally heading to the doctors to be told he was walking on a broken leg.

Things can go wrong. Like an episode of Alone I saw once, when as soon as they got there a bloke swung an axe, missed a tree and got his leg instead (did a lovely job on his thigh). For insurance/liability purposes when that sort of things happen they always pull you out.

“Sorry mate. We’re pulling you out. You did this to yourself. The good news is we’ll have you back home in time for lunch.”

He’d prepared to last 100 days out in the wilderness and he was done on the first day.

Prior to this he was talking about being the last man standing. Oh the irony!

Crazy isn’t it really, how we can plan for 100 days and life trips us up in the first five minutes. Life has a habit of reminding you you’re not quite as in control as you thought.

When it comes to risk, the one that terrifies me watching him the most is a YouTuber called Mustang Wanted. If you’ve never seen this guy, you have to watch him at least once. Somehow he is still alive which means he’s either very good at treading the fine line between mortality and stupidity or he’s a lucky bastard.

Make up your own mind which of the two applies…

I’d be quite sad to hear he’d fallen off something into the abyss, so let’s hope those days are now behind him.

Have a great rest of your day and don’t go walking across the top of any skyscrapers if you get bored on your lunch hour.

The first audio test on this blog:

The Pros:

I had the nicest Sunday dinner…

The Cons: 

Now I’ve got to do the hard yards burning some of it back off.

You can’t have yin without yang, baby.

I love this in black. It might be the most badass thing I’ve seen outside of a Lotus Carlton.

I took this photo. It’s a SAAB 99 Turbo and they are as rare as hens teeth…

They are designed to withstand collissions with elks on a public road. Hewn from a solid ingot block and almost worth doing a deal with the devil for.

I used to know a gambler who would regularly lose 10k+ on a roulette wheel and it never deterred him. My sister used to go with him and felt ill seeing all the money go up in smoke. I asked him why he did it and he replied:

“Dean, the wheel spins one way, the ball spins the other and the devil meets me on the road in between.”

That’s the best fucking thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.

Pardon the French 😉

If he got out break even or in profit he’d say, “I shook hands with the devil and walked away.”

That kind of gambling is for mugs and I still think he was a mug punter, but he was also a legend. The only person I’ve met who had more one-liners than I do.

When the banks would ring him, offering loans, he’s say: “Time’s what I need. I can always borrow money. Can you lend me some time?”

What a character he was.

I went out and watched a film which was magnifique.

So hungry by the time it finished I went to get a chicken kebab in pitta bread on the way back.

They gave me lamb. I love lamb (who doesn’t) but the triglyceride count is insane.

Try not to think about it Dean (it’s better if you don’t know). It was worth it.

I offset it with a run to the cashpoint and a glass (or two) of Malbec. Well,  it would be rude not to.

I’m so happy with my legs right now. I can run and everything.

You know how Rocky made a big comeback? That’s me. “Yo Adrian. I could have been a contender.”

I also posted on Instagram for the first time in 7 years. One for every dwarf in Snow White.

See ya in the next post.

Chortle…

Walby managed to turn these lyrics into something musical/poetic, whilst keeping
it all tongue-in-cheek. So underrated…

In a ‘05 V6 Clio Twin Turbo
Know how we roll with them backseat hoes
On we go
HSBC, we do them next
We’ve got the money, cos we know how to rap!

Ha ha, it never gets old. Let’s all lay low with Ginger Joe.

Found this chap playing swingball while I was looking through my stuff.

You may recognise him:

It’s been so long, I forgot I ever created an Instagram account.

Someone sent me a message on there so I had to reset my password just to login and read it.

First world problems eh.

Never really used Instagram or got into it, but I can now login to it again.

For now you can all get in touch with me via the medium of Abacus.

You don’t need to follow me on Instagram because, as Steve Martin once said in “The Jerk”,
“I need this blog, this electric toaster, this hat, these sunglasses and that’s allll I neeedddddd”.

He didn’t ACTUALLY say that, but you get the idea.

A lot of people probably think that Creatine is only beneficial to bodybuilders and people who do explosive movements.

(I should clarify that explosive moments are things like sprinting)

Not true.

It also has brain benefits:

“After it’s consumed, creatine enters your brain where it binds with phosphate, creating a molecule that your brain uses to quickly fuel its cells”

If your brain was a car, it would be like filling it up with petrol so you could whizz off up the road living your best life.

Brain fuel – quite literally.

As the brethren would say, “That is a mad ting, fam.”

Of course, I wouldn’t say something like that because I use real words.

If there was an 8th wonder of the world, Creatine should certainly be considered.

This has turned me on to the subject of nootropics/adaptogens. Just because
pharmaceutical companies can’t profit from it, doesn’t mean they don’t work
like gangbusters for certain things.

Interesting, Mr. Bond.

After all, no doctor is every going to say to you: “Have you tried fuelling your brain with Creatine?”

As they puff away on another cigarette, prescribing Amoxycillin and Prozac (lol).

Doctor: “I can find nothing wrong with you and can only put it down to excessive alcohol consumption.”
Patient: “Don’t worry doctor, I can come back when you’re sober.”

Two elephants fell off a cliff

Boom
Boom

My fortune cookie from today’s takeaway reads:

A long-awaited dream will come true this Sunday.

LOL… I love it how they make all the dreams come true so quickly after a reasonably priced takeaway.

It wouldn’t quite be the same if it read:

“A long-awaited dream will come true just as they roll you into a nursing home. It’s lamb cutlets on Sundays.”

Imagine if someone had a really shit dream?

“Wow, you could have any dream come true by Sunday. What did you wish for?”

“I wished for the ability to spin plates really well. I’ve always admired the Greeks.”

“Why didn’t you wish for a bajillion pounds so you can do whatever you want in life?”

“Oh yeah. Never thought of that.“

I’m no expert on Matt Monro, but there is no song that captures sentiment that echoes, quite like this one. Also, I like this video of him in a car whizzing around the mountains on a hot summers day. I think Quincy Jones played a part in production (he was the man behind Thriller by MJ). There’s something decidedly ethereal about it.

Out of 10 drinking horns, I’d give it a firm 9…

On Days Like These:

I have to be in the right mood for subtitled films, but when you get a good one you don’t even realise you’re ‘reading’ it. Just lately I’ve noticed a trend of them dubbing them over with American accents and I’d rather they didn’t.

These 3 are ‘proper’ subtitled affairs and you’ll forget you’re reading once you start watching.

Film 1: Dogman – I found this film by accident one night and it’s sort of stuck in my memory banks ever since. It’s a bleak setting film in Italy where this guy runs a dog grooming biz/parlour. He has his own issues, not least of which is appeasing the bully who masquerades as his ‘friend’ but is actually a curse. He has a daughter and he’s trying to make ends meet doing a bit of dodgy stuff on the side. You won’t forget the main actor once you’ve seen this (if anyone knows of other films like this let me know).

Film 2: 22 Bullets – I won’t go into too much detail here, other than to say if you like revenge action films, this one is one you should watch. It’s the guy that was in Leon (another good film). From what I remember this is pretty fast paced. Originally I bought this on DVD and one of my mates kept borrowing off me. “Dean, have you got 22 bullets? Can I borrow it”. He’s still got it (lol).

Film 3: City Of God – What a film this is. I totally forgot I was reading anything. It portrays the rise of crime in Rio de Janeiro between the 1960’s and the 80’s. Most of the cast were recruited from real life favelas which adds an extra layer of authenticity to the movie. Even if you normally hate subtitled films, you should watch this.

I would write more but my takeaway is nearly here 🙂

Have you ever noticed whenever you get a contestant on a game show that says, “I’m a comedian” or “I do a bit of stand-up comedy”, they’re rarely ever actually funny. It’s almost like the curse of saying you are good at something means you’re actually shit. Most of the time they look morose and only people like Jack Dee can get away with that.

Moreover, have you ever met someone who says they are entertaining, but they turn out to be the most boring person in the history of the world? Well, I met one and he wanted to be my friend. I actually gave him this title and had to use it once in a pub, “Oh no, it’s the most boring person in the history of the world. If he recognises me I will have to give up on living.”

Have you ever tried to disguise yourself without having a fake moustache? Well, that’s what I attempted.

One day I literally hid from him around a corner and he found me with my back to the wall like a shit game of hide and seek. I’m not even joking. Once he’d found me I had to act happy he’d discovered me pressed up against a wall (it didn’t seem to register at his end). “Thank God you found me hiding here minding my own business”. Even worse, he brought his girlfriend with him on this quest and she was the SECOND most boring person in the world.

How do you do a boring lobster sign? lol.

“Another year. Still boring together.”

They’re the only two I’d run away from just so I could watch paint dry.

Going back to the wannabe comedians…

They probably watched “Lee Evans” once on TV and their partner or someone in their family said, “OMG you could so do that”. It’s a bit like the X-Factor contestants that are told they can sing by their family, and only find out at the audition that the rotten tomatoes weren’t going to get them through to boot camp.

Only 1 in 10,000 people can sing in perfect pitch (I worked with one once).

And that’s it isn’t it. Having the balls is half of the battle.

If you’re willing to get up on a mic and risk nobody laughing with you (as oppose to at you), the only way is up. With enough tough gigs, you can probably go from being a poor comic to someone with an act that may just pass muster.

It just won’t give you funny bones, because you’ve either got them or you haven’t.

So I’d never actually knock someone that had the guts to do something like this.

I recently went to a beer festival and it was comedy night. The guy hosting the show was pretty good but he was targeting everyone along the front row in brutal fashion. I mean, that was his act and we WERE sitting on the front row.

A friend I was with began to look increasingly uncomfortable as he moved his act towards us, but I wasn’t gonna move. A bit like Maggie Thatcher, I wasn’t there for turning. However, he did, so I had to follow and that let us off the hook.

A woman brought back two pizzas to her front row seat and ‘comedy guy’ said to her, “Is one of those for your boyfriend?”. She replied, “No. They’re both mine” as she tightened her vice-like grip on two deep pans. He thought she was joking but she wasn’t sharing those pizzas with no-one.

Then he said, “You’ve got a rough deal there mate. She’s eating the lot.” (he rubbed it in)

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a comedian taking the piss and feeling sorry for someone in the front row because his girlfriend has an insatiable appetite for pizzas.

We should have all had a whip round and bought him a pepperoni.

It was at this beer festival I discovered my favourite name for a beer ever:

“Dark Side of the Moose“.

The more you say it, the more you want one!

Did you know that if you have tryptophan before you go to bed, it helps you sleep.

That’s why having a bit of turkey (or chicken) with a small glass of milk helps to send you off into the land of nod.

Your body uses it to produce serotonin and it uses that to create melatonin. So it goes around the houses, but all good things come to those who wait 🙂

Without thinking about it, that’s what I did last night. I had a craving for a chicken bap so I had one.

No rules in this life.

“Did you hear what Dean did? He’s such a maverick. Only the other night he fancied a chicken bap… and he had one.”

*The crowd gasped*. Tell me more…

After that he fell asleep.

“Ohhh. Is that the end of the story?”

“Yes. It was sort of inevitable.”

“Did he slay any dragons?”

“Only in his dreams.”

I used to give money to beggars outside shops until I realised that most of them had homes to go to. I watched one guy literally walk home one day after his begging shift had ended.

You have to hand it to them in a way, they are as brazen as you like. On one occasion I saw a woman order a 3 course meal for him at the Indian restaurant next door to where he was situated. She came over and said: “Your starter will be on the way in 5 minutes.”

Well, I couldn’t get my hat off.

I did make an exception one day though. It was absolutely torrential downpour as I went to walk into a co-op. Nobody other than a homeless person would have sat out in that. He was sitting there cross-legged singing “I’m Just A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby” by Wheatus, like he had lost whatever little part of his mind he had remaining.

The song was playing in the shop with the door open. As rain bounced off his head, he kept singing it. I couldn’t decide whether he was eternally optimistic or completely deranged, because he kept smiling while he sang it like nothing bothered him.

I think that deserves a couple of quid, plus I like that song it’s a classic. I worked with this guy called Chris who was camp and extrovert. He used to sing it whilst having a handkerchief sticking out of the top pocket of his jacket at work and whenever anyone rang he would always begin with, “Tell me about your love life, darling”…

They have just introduced chat PIN protection on X/Twitter.

Now in order to check your messages you have to periodically enter a pin number, like you’ve rocked up at an ATM.

What are they protecting us all from? Dialogue? lol.

Side Note: Reminds me of the terrible joke the lumberjack said as he was about to chop down a tree.

“A lumberjack started swinging his trusty axe at an old tree, when the tree suddenly and unexpectedly shouted, “Wait! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack said, “Maybe so, but you will dialogue!“”

Ha ha I just found another joke I posted ages ago:

“Do caterpillars know they’re going to turn into butterflies? Or do they just wake up one day and think, “WTF happened? I’m stunning!“”

On the subject of passwords, I would choose ‘shoveitupyourarse’ as a password as well, but it’s a bit too easy to guess.

There’s a TV programme (I think it’s BBC) called From and although it’s not much of a name, the series itself is EPIC. So far they have done 3 series. The first one was not bad, but it got a lot better in the second series and I’m currently wading my way through Series 3 at my own leisurely, savoured pace.

It’s all about these people that live in a town but they don’t really know how they ended up there, other than the fact they are travelling down a road and reach a point where there is a tree blocking their route.

No matter how many times they try to get out of the town, they always end up back in the same place and inevitably, they see the same tree blocking the road again until they realise they have to end the madness and return to their new life in the equivalent of ‘Shitsville’.

At night there are creatures who live outside, which resemble humans (they tend to smile a lot), that you cannot let into your home. If you do that, you’re quickly turned into tomorrows fish and chip wrapper. You better have a talisman hanging up somewhere as well if you know what’s good for ya.

All of the above could have turned out pretty lame, but the actors in it are first rate and the way the story is conveyed has hooked me in.

Anyone that was a fan of Wayward Pines/Stephen King/Dark Horror should check this out. For me it’s something of a hidden gem and right up my alley.

There’s a guy I know who is a martial artist. So far he’s trained 183 days in a row (wow). Anyone that trains hard will know 2 days in a row isn’t bad and 3 days in a row probably means the 4th day you will feel burned out, so you can’t train like that every day. However, you can train every day if you do less (it’s the only way in my opinion, even if you’re super fit).

I prefer to go to war when I’m training so I take days off and do more leisurely things on those days off. I’ve always admired martial arts people, mainly because of their mindset/philosophies. When I was a kid I did Karate for about a year and briefly returned to it in the form of Tae Kwon Do in my twenties.

One day after work in martial arts class (as I like to call it), someone I was partnered threw me over their shoulder onto the mat. Once is fine but this was an hour of it and after being smashed on the mat umpteen times I decided to go back to weights and running. I’m still glad I did it back then though and I use some things I learned in those classes on a day to day basis.

This is what 183 days in a row training guy said earlier:

“Most people live on autopilot — reacting to life instead of leading it.
Bruce Lee’s lesson was to intercept before things happen.
That’s Jeet Kune Do — “the way of the intercepting fist.”
It’s not just martial arts.
It’s a lived philosophy.”

Back to me…

Interesting Mr. Bond. “Intercept before things happen”, which sound a bit like ‘prevention is better than cure’.

Yeah – I like it. 4.5 drinking horns out of 5.

It’s dream season for me.

I went through a phase of not having lucid dreams very often, now I have them more regular than Basil Fawlty shouts “Sybil”.

They range from the surreal to the mundane.

Last nights dream was about going on a tip run with someone, but somehow my brain managed to make this quite interesting.

To get me to come to the tip this person wrote, “Are you a good tipster? x”

Only I could turn a mundane outing into a garbage run filled with intrigue.

Also it’s stopped pissing it down with rain and the sun is shining as I type this.

‘Cause I’m a hero like Robert De Niro…