Freshly Spilled Thoughts

I wrote this a few months ago. Given what’s currently going on in the world, it’s aged like fine wine:

I really like Roy Orbison, particularly the “I Drove All Night” song.

Nobody else sounds quite like him.

I drovveeeee all niiiiggggggggggghhhhhttttttt to get to you.

Is that alright?

I drove all night.

Even at the current fuel prices. I still did it. To get to you.

You know, in life sometimes you just have to let the universe decide.

You can only do what you can do. And you can do no more.

As Popeye once said 🙂

There’s something nice about that I think. Surrendering to the universe.

Don’t get me wrong, I think you have to try to make things happen that mean something and I think you have to show up for the things you want.

But ultimately the universe usually decides.

It’s like if you’re a shit singer you’re never going to win Pop Idol.

Or if you can’t hit double top you’re never going to beat Luke Littler.

But I do also believe in manifesting. Arnold Schwarzenegger manifested his life from Graz, Austria to where he is now.

Anything you can see in your minds eye is actually possible.

So I’m not talking about limiting things with the wrong mindset.

I’m just saying there is power in the universe and sometimes it gets a say too.

Enough of this woo-woo stuff, an epic curry beckons and I’m manifesting that with my hands anointed with culinary greatness 🙂

I knew a guy who went travelling. He had been with someone but at this point in his journey he was on his own, most likely in a hotel room.

He said to me:

“While I was there I took their version of Viagra.”

“Did you? Why?”

“I was just curious. Wanted to see if it worked.”

“You took a Viagra derivative when you were on your own?”

“Yes.”

“Did it work?”

“Yes. It kicked in for hours.”

“Ooh. I bet you were happy. Another satisfied customer.”

“No. It stressed me out. I couldn’t get to sleep and had to lie on my back.”

*chortle*

I once had a blog with a load of swearing as a tagline *cringe*. It broke so I had to get hosting support to help me fix it.

When the guy at the other end fixed it he had to verify it was back online by saying all the swear words back to me:

Yes it’s back up now! Thank f*ck for that 😉

I wish I hadn’t mentioned Babycakes the other day now as it’s taking up rent space in my head. You hum it and I’ll sing it.

Baby cakes
You just don’t know, know
How I, I
I like it down low, low
And I just want you to know
That I think our love will grow
Will take it step by step
Because I’m not something you own

I wish the charts were always full of random songs like this. Then we could ban Ed Sheeran and live happily ever after 😉

I know sleeping is necessary, but it’s so time consuming.

I think it would be good if you could just stay awake for 2 weeks and then sleep for an entire week to make up for all the sleep you ignored.

Having to do in daily blocks is just so inconvenient at times.

Put your hand in the air if you agree and I’ll see what I can do for you.

I’m thinking go on holiday abroad for 2 weeks (or by the seaside) then just come back and sleep for a week.

So far I can’t see any downsides apart from not being able to answer the phone or doorbell for 7 days 🙂

Babycakes – A one hit wonder I’d forgotten all about until I heard it on the radio the other day.

They never even did an album – how mad is that…

It was definitely one of those tunes that stuck in your head for a while:

Leave Me A Note feature works great. It even does audio messages.

Do you ever read things you’ve written in the past and think to yourself, “I don’t remember writing this, but I’m kinda funny”.

Happens to me all the time…

If you like Charlie & The Chocoolate Factory with Gene Wilder and the song
I’m referencing, this is my mates cousin performing it on the piano at the Perrier Awards:

I DID A THING. I’ve added chat and audio messages to this site.

I am so pleased about this I could tickle a lemon.

Straight away I thought, “The site now seems more alive (for me anyway)” and it’s given me some ideas.

That’s all I have to say. Friday evening is upon us so have a great weekend.

It’s amazing how many people use English words that actually have absolutely zero value.

Imagine waking up in the morning and you’ve got 2000 spam comments pending on your blog.

Comments like this:

This is what happened to me. They use English words, except none of them have any value to a sentient being.

A bit like Boris Johnson when he told everyone to stay indoors and keep safe while he was swinging around a pole outside in the garden, sipping pina coladas in the sunshine at a party.

At a wedding in a castle a few moons ago.

The best man fell over on cobbles outside and ended up having his head bandaged up like a mummy from a tomb.

His ex was there and she said, “Oh well. He’s not my problem now.”

At least she didn’t step over him.

I also read Save Karyn on the coach 🙂

I always feel very relaxed here…

Facebook thinks that I want to buy these beauties…

I’m deciding between this and Samuel Pepys diary.

Flip a coin.

I’ve decided against the Rhinestone as I was getting strange looks at bus stops.

I think we all peaked at Kia-Ora ads on TV and do the Shake ‘N’ Vac.

“I’ll be your dog…”

WOOF.

The only people that get this will be the ones that also remember Harwhites Secret Lemonade Drinker.

I have never read the diaries of Samuel Pepys, but there is something about him that intrigues me. He wrote a diary consistently for 10 years, then stopped abruptly because of failing eyesight.

I’m not really interested in the politics side or even the work. All of that is tres boring.

What interests me is the day-to-day and how life would have been back then.

Apparently he wrote quite frankly and enthusiastically about all manner of things including his liaisons and those he lusted after, in between pints of ale and bottles of wine. It’s the characters and interactions that I’m most interested in.

During the Great Fire of London he buried his cheese in the back garden in order to protect it from melting.

Anyone who goes to such lengths to protect cheese gets a vote of confidence from me.

But here’s the thing…

His diaries are a whopping 1152 pages in length. I would hate to get 20 pages in and discover it’s not for me.

The only diary format book I’ve ever read was Lady In A Van which was 105 pages long. After I finished reading it I gave it to someone else to get them into reading.

They never read it 🙂 (you couldn’t make it up)

Anything over 300 pages starts to feel like a bit of a gamble. It has to grip me early doors or I find anything longer in prospect, rather daunting.

That’s why I gravitate towards short stories by the likes of Michael Marshall Smith.

The downside of this is when you are hooked on a good story and it ends in 15 pages, like the time I read one about a man who unexpectedly fell in love with a motorcycle helmet wearing female courier who delivered computer parts to his flat. I read that in Paphos while I was eating dry roasted peanuts. Halcyon days indeed.

Samuel Pepys has also got me thinking about the whole notion of diary writing. I don’t think I could sit there writing a diary to myself, even if this is pretty close at times :). The ready made audiences over at Substack tempt me with their commercial wares.

At the same time I don’t think I’d want to share everything with the public either.

Maybe I should start a diary, publish it online and password protect every post until I’ve ripped off the mortal coil. That’s what Samuel Pepys did, which is pretty genius.

Kenneth Williams spent most of his time slagging everyone off in his diaries as a cathartic outlet. Miaow.

I still like Kenneth though – he was one of life’s real characters and a one-off.

Commercial diary writing then. Interesting Mr. Bond.

MOOBS

Are you allowed to say it in public? I don’t know.

One thing I do know though is that when you give a video game character something resembling boobs, it’s either a woman or a bloke who let his estrogen get so carried away that he could easily be mistaken for a Dolly Parton tribute act.

Or they do weights like me and it’s a side effect of arguing with gravity.

On Apprentice the other day, they put a pair of tits (excuse the brash choice of language) on a video game character, then got a bloke to narrate it and prance about before unleashing it into the world.

When someone asked if the character was male or female, the narrator guy replied, “It’s neither”, to which the person posing the question responded – “Ah. Unisex. That’s cool”.

But it’s not actually ‘cool’ though is it. It’s generic shite with no identity that a minority has subscribed to, which  the rest of the population is pandering to because there are consequences for having common sense.

If you want to tell people you are a sexless fairy that visits earth from Narnia via a wardrobe you bought from IKEA, people have to go along with it so nobody gets offended.

“He said he’s a sexless fairy from Narnia with affordable furniture”

“Less of the he. That’s offensive even when it’s accurate.”

“You know what I mean.”

“The entity in question is living their best life and we need to be proud of them for that”

“Yawn. It’s a bloke with a costume he ordered online. I know it’s a bloke because his name is Tony and he drinks Guinness. How many sexless fairies from Narnia with a penchant for stout are called Tony?”

“Your P45 is available in reception. We don’t employ libertarians here.”

There’s a place in Spain called Altea, which has caught my eye.

It’s a picturesque seaside town in the Costa Blanca.

Some people call it Spain’s answer to San Torini, with less tourists.

Others seek it out as a quiet alternative to Benidorm.

I quite fancy going somewhere like this in the not-so-distant future.

Picturesque with white-walled streets and it even has a vibrant art scene.

What’s not to love. I’ve added it to the bucket list.

I have a friend who used to live in Valencia until she moved to Paris,
so I’ll ask her if she’s ever been. I’m sure she will have as it’s only about
80 miles away from there. Looks nice though eh!

Plonk me in Altea with a lemon tree and I may never come back 🙂

Here you go
Way too fast
Don’t slow down
Gonna crash

That’s the song by The Primitives, going around my head at this time of day. I sort of love that song.

Can you ‘sort of’ love something? You can in my world. 

The weather is god damn pants awful. I felt like I was in some kind of disaster movie just walking across the car park again.

There was a guy next to me on the treadmill that reminded me of Katie Prices son, Harvey.

He was laughing his tits off at whatever he was watching on his phone and saying words that you would never find in the English dictionary, then every so often he jumped off and kicked his left leg about 5 times, before jumping back on again having the time of his life. And more power to him.

The woman to the left of him looked highly disturbed. He grew on me over the course of 25 minutes. I almost pissed myself laughing at how disturbed she looked, at which point they both looked at me bottling up my mirth.

Exercise never gets any easier but I’m always happy I am able to run. It feels a bit like a gift as I didn’t do it for 12 years and I class myself as a runner now. It went from being a fantasy to a ‘thing’. I did a thing.

I would go as far as to say running is possibly the most liberating thing a person can do on their own.

A guy in my year at secondary school has just been appointed as the national football coach for Sweden until 2030. I was in the same English class as him (Set 2 where the cool kids ended up lol).

That’s about as much as I know about football. I think when a country appoints you for something like that, you’re doing something right.

I watched 1% Club the other day and got the 1% question right. In yer face Flanders.

I’m sure it’s much harder when you’re there.

This question earlier (not the 1% one) was easy but I was doing abstract calculations in my head.

See how quick you do it. In this sequence what replaces the 4 question marks.

JUN1   JUL1  AUG3  SEP6   OCT4  ???? 

If you get it right you win a goldfish in a bag and a packet of Haribo.

30 Seconds. GO.

It’s very Windy Miller outside today isn’t it.

In other news:

I never knew Timmy Mallett could paint. There was a girl in my year at school who went on Wacaday and spelt carrot wrong.

Why do we care so much about spelling? If people know what you mean, who cares.

IF YOU WROTE EVERYTHING IN CAPITALS I GUESS THAT WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

I class capitals as shouting and neediness so I never reply to anything involving such huge letters in succession (LOL).

The only exception is acronyms. LOL <—- A case in point.

I think LOL is the only one I still use (and HTH). Just as I say that, another one pops into my head.

Anyway. GTG 😉