Freshly Spilled Thoughts

There’s only one sporting celebrity I love.

Dave Allen (the Boxer)

And I’ll tell you why…

He’s a normal funny bloke from Doncaster, who happens to be able to box a bit.

He’s ranked #62 in the world and today he’s up against Filip Hrgovic (ranked #5).

On paper it’s a mismatch.

It shouldn’t really be happening, but people love Dave, especially people from Doncaster.

They’ve booked a stadium in Doncaster and got one of the world’s elites to turn up there to fight.

Dave is living his dream. This is his FA Cup Final and he’s the real life equivalent of Rocky Balboa from Donny.

Filip Hrgovic, today, is his everything.

You know how most people draft in someone like Eminem to front the walk into the ring?

Not Dave.

He brings in MC Devvo, a character from Donny that blew up on YouTube about 20 years ago before going viral was even a thing.

MC Devvo had a rap song years ago called Donny Soldier…

One bit in it goes, “Summer is here and it’s f****** f****** buzzing”

Just ridiculous really, but they seem to have a good sense of humour in Doncaster, that’s all I can say.

I thought unique humour was only reserved for Brummies 🙂

There’s nobody I want to see win more than Dave.

And I think he has a sporting chance.

When asked what sacrifices he’s made on the run up to this fight, he replied:

“I’ve eaten less sweets and chocolate.”

Then he said,

“You ask me what sacrifices I’ve made, but I’m living my dream every day. The people out there working 9-5… that’s sacrifice.”

Humble, self deprecating and showing maturity beyond his years

Good luck Dave. I hope you knock out Hrgovic and continue to live your dream.

The average bloke off the street will always be rooting for you.

Good news. I survived.

This isn’t a robot typing a message on my behalf.

It’s actually me and everything.

So what happened at the dentist?

I asked her if I was interrupting her dinner.

There was no dinner on display as I walked into the room.

No sign of Paul Daniels hiding it under a top hat either.

She must have wondered how I knew that, so she asked if I could smell it.

So specific.

This was a game of dinner chat chess and I held the ace card.

I said, “No, someone told me about your dinner in reception”.

Check mate.

She asked me if I’d had any problems.

I considered telling her about the time I bought a packet of revels and how I could never figure out which ones were the coffee ones.

But she seemed busy, so I kept it strictly dental.

I mentioned the sensitivity from the filling 6 months earlier…

… I think I overplayed my hand because she started talking about removing nerves.

WOAH. Let’s not do anything hasty.

The she said, “Oh, you can do without that tooth anyway. You wouldn’t miss it.”

A nurse once said that to me about my finger as she was sewing it back on.

To me, statements like that are more shocking than watching the likes of Eden Lake.

It’s an easy thing to say when the limb, digit or appendage is not yours.

I strongly reassured her that I would miss it. I told her I was sentimental.

She seemed to find this funny, but I was shooting from the hip.

I don’t mess about when it comes to confessions relating to anything around the jawline area.

I played down the sensitivity at this point just in case she extracted my tooth like a shit birthday surprise or something.

It wasn’t my birthday.

We were back in the winners circle and I still had my tooth.

So far, so good.

I stuck to my guns, but I did ask a question.

This led to a discussion about another procedure costing £180 a tooth.

The scale and polish happened. I removed the Joe 90 glasses they always give you at these appointments.

I was free for another 6 months and the white stripe army couldn’t hold me back.

In the car park, the key in the ignition seemed lighter somehow… and I drove off into the sunset.

Yesterday was a good day.

Dean Cube

The day has finally come.

Yes…

*drum roll*

It’s…

… another imminent trip to the dreaded dentists.

Those 6 months went by quickly.

My brain always tells me not to go.

“You don’t need this today, Dean.”

“If you miss it today, so what. You can always go in 6 months.”

“You don’t answer to no dentist.”

“Appointments are just their way of controlling you.”

🙂

But I know what I’d do.

I just wouldn’t make an appointment until next year LOL.

Then you go 18 months later and they frown at you as they say,
“We haven’t seen you for a while, Dean.”

An X-Ray follows…

“Ooh, we spotted a thing that needs doing. If only you’d come sooner,
this might not have happened.”

I once had a dentist tell me they were caught between a rock and a
hard place.

Profound and enamel based.

Shit got deep (LOL).

He once confessed to me he lost £25K on stocks and went for a
swim to calm down.

He also used the same lines with all customers.

I knew them all in advance.

I’m not frightened of the dentists. That part doesn’t bother me.

In fact I quite enjoy the pleasantries part.

You know, where they are saying hello and the world looks lovely.

“Hello, you may be happy now but I have a drill and I know how to use it.”

The bit I don’t like is when they say you’ve got to have something done.

So you have ‘the thing’ done.

The pain at the time doesn’t particularly bother me either.

But what I really hate is the ongoing pain.

For example, I had a filling and it messed around with my nerves.

It took 6 months to settle down.

I almost went back to say, “This aint right. It shouldn’t hurt for 24 weeks.”

Then it calmed down again, just as I was about to go back.

All was well with the world.

Fast forward 7 years, she told me I needed it doing again.

AND THAT’S THE BIT I DON’T LIKE

Because I know what’s coming.

On the same tooth it’s going to jangle all my nerves around again.

And it did. 6 months again.

So today I am going but I am not going to have bugger all done apart from a scale and polish.

That’s my masterplan.

Fiendish isn’t it.

You’re not supposed to like the dentists anyway are you.

That would be like enjoying queues or getting excited in traffic jams.

It just doesn’t happen.

I say it doesn’t, I have one mate who enjoys the dentists
because she sounds strict.

God knows what that entails, but dental fantasies
are no doubt ‘a thing’ as well.

Maybe she reprimands him about the sporadic use of
mouthwash or something.

“Ooh, you’re so bossy with the Colgate. Say dental
floss like you take no prisoners”

Whatever floats the proverbial boat I guess.

I can never work out if dentists are caring or sadistic.

Maybe they are a mixture of both.

Why do they own such long needles?

Why do they talk to you when you can’t answer back.

Why do they smile when they are drilling.

Answers on a postcard.

Wish me luck. If I survive this I will write on here again.

Failing that, the domain will expire and the hosting won’t renew.

It’s a jungle out there, dear reader.

/TODAY/ experienced a system glitch at 13:52 HOURS. Stand by … RECALIBRATING …

One thing that has always amazed me was how celebrities like Stan Laurel used to find time to write letters to all manner of people, from friends to fans. There’s also an unbelievable account of hand written letters from Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo (staggering it even exists), which would never exist if hotmail/gmail had been a ‘thing’ back then.

That’s one of the sad things about stuff being so dumbed down with apps like WhatsApp where you’re available 24/7 to all and sundry. How did any of us ever buy into that as a good thing? (lol). I think everything devolved after emails and basic texts to be honest.

Anyway, here’s another example. Peter Cushing writing to someone’s mum after her husband’s death, going out of his way to help and provide comfort. How many would sit and type a letter like this on a typewriter now, if they could? Not many… maybe it was just a more selfless era?

Something to cogitate on this Sunday… and look how eloquently/sincerely he writes…

Christopher Lee had this to say about Peter Cushing:

“I don’t want to sound gloomy, but at some point of your lives, every one of you will notice that you have in your life one person, one friend whom you love and care for very much. That person is so close to you that you are able to share some things only with him. For example, you can call that friend, and from the very first maniacal laugh or some other joke you will know who is at the other end of that line. We used to do that with him so often. And then when that person is gone, there will be nothing like that in your life ever again.”

Back to me…

I know exactly what Christopher is talking about. Real friends and people you love/connect with at that level are as rare as hen’s teeth.

It’s just wrong what you see on social media these days. I’ve never looked up anything pervy or penis related on this site, yet I get ads like this thrown at me when I’m thinking about things like what to have for breakfast.

“If your penis has weakened with age” is a laughable ad headline. What did people start off with in the first place? Excalibur’s Sword?

It’s an Arthurian legend, phallically speaking.

“Do you remember when you could lift tables with your penis? It’s really weakened with age hasn’t it. You seem to be struggling with moving paper weights with it these days. Anyway, I saw this ad you might be interested in…”

They’ll be telling people to strap a dumbbell to it next and walk around the shops. Also the ad itself borders on soft porn and makes it look like the woman is being subjected to a protrusion when she’s trying to get on with her day.

“I wish this bloke would piss off, I’m trying to get to the greengrocers.”

Emily Thompson can shove her ad up her derriere, that’s what I say.

I’m fully expecting the next ad to say something like, “Upgrade Your Penis and Use It To Do The Pole Vault at The Next Summer Olympics”

Daley Thompsons Dickathlon…

Always been a bit of a fan of Erin Murphy (Bewitched fame) and she must be one of the hottest 61 year olds on the planet…

… Oil of Olay? 🙂

Some people think that magic doesn’t exist. They are wrong (it’s within all of us).

They also haven’t seen or read ‘Bridge to Terabithia‘…

This film, which I stumbled across one day, had a profound effect upon me and changed the way I look at the world.

So much so, in fact, that I wrote about it here:

The Fragile Magic Of Hidden Worlds

The bridge is still there, for anyone who remembers the way.

I bought the album ‘Discovery’ by Daft Punk when I worked at this I.T. place in the countryside.

2001 was the year. I used to sit next to this guy called Chris who never did any work. He spent most of his working hours talking to his girlfriend on the work phone line and saying things like, “She has a lovely bottom” when a woman in the office walked past the desk.

He also bought the fastest depreciating car in the UK and thought it was an asset. I thought he was a work-shy fop with the personality of a squashed crisp packet.

I also sat next to another guy called Chris (I know, two of them! What are the chances)

The other Chris was a camp, extrovert man with a younger lover called Robin.  He used to proudly put up pictures of him next to his monitor, although I often got the feeling another ‘Robin’ was just around the corner.

Chris didn’t do much work either, but he had personality and that goes a long way (just ask the pig in Greenacres).

Most of the time his opener on the telephone would be, “So, how’s your love life darling?”

He used to wear a handkerchief in the top pocket of his jacket, that was always on display.

Quite a few good tracks on the Discovery album. I don’t know which one is my favourite, but I still like Face to Face:

One of my favourite films is Gattaca. In particular this quote:

“You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton. I never saved anything for the swim back.“

I don’t think I need to explain what this means, but it certainly means a great deal to me.

If you’re going to try, go all the way… do not save anything for the swim back.

Definitely wear swimming trunks or a swimsuit of some description though. We’re not savages.

Tyson Fury was talking about Billy Ocean earlier.

‘Suddenly’ is my favourite song by him:

Suddenly life has new meaning to me
There’s beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up and suddenly you’re in love

Genius lyrics!

Prince is sort of underrated as well with songs like Little Red Corvette, Delirious, 1999, Raspberry Beret and When Doves Cry.

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
So sue me if I go too fast
But life is just a party
And parties weren’t meant to last

And as the great Bill Hicks once said, “It’s just a ride.”

We can change it anytime we want…

Julian Rignall had this hot hatch back in the ’90s.

It’s something I have in common with him because so did I.

I think it is a thing of beauty. Cars are all about aesthetics for me and they had that back then.

In 1995 I bought a Peugeot 205 GTI 1.6 and fell in love.

In 2009 I bought a Miami Blue one, which still wasn’t as good as the one I originally had but it looked good.

It also accidentally ended up on an episode of the Hairy Bikers (they turned up to do an episode at a house where my car was parked).

TFI Friday.

The weeks roll by so fast don’t they.

One minute it’s Monday and you’re listening to Bob Geldof.

Then Wednesday comes along and you’re stuck on that island, far away from either side of the weekend.

Next thing you know, it’s Friday and the world’s your lobster.

Rinse. Repeat.

I think they have gone too far with IACGMOOH (I’m A Celeb).

Craig Charles had to eat 10 dicks in the eating trial head-to-head the other day.

I have no idea what it actually was. Probably buffalo penis or something equally horrendous.

Nobody over 40 should have to eat 10 dicks, it’s just wrong.

I think the maximum number should be 2.

I don’t know why I chose two there really. It just seemed more manageable.

Imagine being remembered as the person that ate 10 dicks.

I know Debbie from Debbie Does Dallas probably doesn’t mind, but most people would.

Surviving it is something. What would the TV company do if you keeled over after eating that many rhino penises?

It wasn’t so bad when it was nice and crunchy things like green ants on toast.

Got to get all that back out of my head now. Happy Friday.

Have you ever noticed that a music artists first or second album is often their best one.

It’s often the same with authors.

Only Forward was the best one by Michael Marshall Smith (in my opinion).

Maverick A Strike was the best album by Finley Quaye.

I think it’s because they have more time without the pressures of the publisher/record label.

When you write your first book or make your first album, it may be raw, but it’s done for all the right reasons at your own leisure.

Once money is involved, you either have to turn into Ed Sheeran pretending to give a shit about the time they drank alcohol on the bonnet of the car with your mates by the castle on the hill, or you refuse to compromise your artistic integrity and end up at number 82 in the charts with your next album.

Ed: “I’ve just done a song about all my old mates when we used to get pissed by that castle.”
Other Person: “Oh. What great times they were. When you were skint and carefree.”
Ed: “I know. I’d trade in my fame and fortune for just one more day with those pissheads, drinking WKD and walking home sideways”
Other Person: “We don’t appreciate it at the time. Now look at you. Stuck in your ivory tower with servants and room service”
Ed: “I know. Aint life the bitch.”
Ed: “I might do the next song about the time I helped a beggar out by buying him a pot noodle just before heavy snowfall around Christmas time. We could put carol singers in the video.”
Other Person: “So touching. This is why the public love you. Well, that and their general poor taste in music” 🙂 

I’ve got some stories to tell. Stay a while and I’ll share them with you…