Freshly Spilled Thoughts

It’s just wrong what you see on social media these days. I’ve never looked up anything pervy or penis related on this site, yet I get ads like this thrown at me when I’m thinking about things like what to have for breakfast.

“If your penis has weakened with age” is a laughable ad headline. What did people start off with in the first place? Excalibur’s Sword?

It’s an Arthurian legend, phallically speaking.

“Do you remember when you could lift tables with your penis? It’s really weakened with age hasn’t it. You seem to be struggling with moving paper weights with it these days. Anyway, I saw this ad you might be interested in…”

They’ll be telling people to strap a dumbbell to it next and walk around the shops. Also the ad itself borders on soft porn and makes it look like the woman is being subjected to a protrusion when she’s trying to get on with her day.

“I wish this bloke would piss off, I’m trying to get to the greengrocers.”

Emily Thompson can shove her ad up her derriere, that’s what I say.

I’m fully expecting the next ad to say something like, “Upgrade Your Penis and Use It To Do The Pole Vault at The Next Summer Olympics”

Daley Thompsons Dickathlon…

Always been a bit of a fan of Erin Murphy (Bewitched fame) and she must be one of the hottest 61 year olds on the planet…

… Oil of Olay? 🙂

Some people think that magic doesn’t exist. They are wrong (it’s within all of us).

They also haven’t seen or read ‘Bridge to Terabithia‘…

This film, which I stumbled across one day, had a profound effect upon me and changed the way I look at the world.

So much so, in fact, that I wrote about it here:

The Fragile Magic Of Hidden Worlds

The bridge is still there, for anyone who remembers the way.

I bought the album ‘Discovery’ by Daft Punk when I worked at this I.T. place in the countryside.

2001 was the year. I used to sit next to this guy called Chris who never did any work. He spent most of his working hours talking to his girlfriend on the work phone line and saying things like, “She has a lovely bottom” when a woman in the office walked past the desk.

He also bought the fastest depreciating car in the UK and thought it was an asset. I thought he was a work-shy fop with the personality of a squashed crisp packet.

I also sat next to another guy called Chris (I know, two of them! What are the chances)

The other Chris was a camp, extrovert man with a younger lover called Robin.  He used to proudly put up pictures of him next to his monitor, although I often got the feeling another ‘Robin’ was just around the corner.

Chris didn’t do much work either, but he had personality and that goes a long way (just ask the pig in Greenacres).

Most of the time his opener on the telephone would be, “So, how’s your love life darling?”

He used to wear a handkerchief in the top pocket of his jacket, that was always on display.

Quite a few good tracks on the Discovery album. I don’t know which one is my favourite, but I still like Face to Face:

One of my favourite films is Gattaca. In particular this quote:

“You wanna know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton. I never saved anything for the swim back.“

I don’t think I need to explain what this means, but it certainly means a great deal to me.

If you’re going to try, go all the way… do not save anything for the swim back.

Definitely wear swimming trunks or a swimsuit of some description though. We’re not savages.

Tyson Fury was talking about Billy Ocean earlier.

‘Suddenly’ is my favourite song by him:

Suddenly life has new meaning to me
There’s beauty up above and things we never take notice of
You wake up and suddenly you’re in love

Genius lyrics!

Prince is sort of underrated as well with songs like Little Red Corvette, Delirious, 1999, Raspberry Beret and When Doves Cry.

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
So sue me if I go too fast
But life is just a party
And parties weren’t meant to last

And as the great Bill Hicks once said, “It’s just a ride.”

We can change it anytime we want…

Julian Rignall had this hot hatch back in the ’90s.

It’s something I have in common with him because so did I.

I think it is a thing of beauty. Cars are all about aesthetics for me and they had that back then.

In 1995 I bought a Peugeot 205 GTI 1.6 and fell in love.

In 2009 I bought a Miami Blue one, which still wasn’t as good as the one I originally had but it looked good.

It also accidentally ended up on an episode of the Hairy Bikers (they turned up to do an episode at a house where my car was parked).

TFI Friday.

The weeks roll by so fast don’t they.

One minute it’s Monday and you’re listening to Bob Geldof.

Then Wednesday comes along and you’re stuck on that island, far away from either side of the weekend.

Next thing you know, it’s Friday and the world’s your lobster.

Rinse. Repeat.

I think they have gone too far with IACGMOOH (I’m A Celeb).

Craig Charles had to eat 10 dicks in the eating trial head-to-head the other day.

I have no idea what it actually was. Probably buffalo penis or something equally horrendous.

Nobody over 40 should have to eat 10 dicks, it’s just wrong.

I think the maximum number should be 2.

I don’t know why I chose two there really. It just seemed more manageable.

Imagine being remembered as the person that ate 10 dicks.

I know Debbie from Debbie Does Dallas probably doesn’t mind, but most people would.

Surviving it is something. What would the TV company do if you keeled over after eating that many rhino penises?

It wasn’t so bad when it was nice and crunchy things like green ants on toast.

Got to get all that back out of my head now. Happy Friday.

Have you ever noticed that a music artists first or second album is often their best one.

It’s often the same with authors.

Only Forward was the best one by Michael Marshall Smith (in my opinion).

Maverick A Strike was the best album by Finley Quaye.

I think it’s because they have more time without the pressures of the publisher/record label.

When you write your first book or make your first album, it may be raw, but it’s done for all the right reasons at your own leisure.

Once money is involved, you either have to turn into Ed Sheeran pretending to give a shit about the time they drank alcohol on the bonnet of the car with your mates by the castle on the hill, or you refuse to compromise your artistic integrity and end up at number 82 in the charts with your next album.

Ed: “I’ve just done a song about all my old mates when we used to get pissed by that castle.”
Other Person: “Oh. What great times they were. When you were skint and carefree.”
Ed: “I know. I’d trade in my fame and fortune for just one more day with those pissheads, drinking WKD and walking home sideways”
Other Person: “We don’t appreciate it at the time. Now look at you. Stuck in your ivory tower with servants and room service”
Ed: “I know. Aint life the bitch.”
Ed: “I might do the next song about the time I helped a beggar out by buying him a pot noodle just before heavy snowfall around Christmas time. We could put carol singers in the video.”
Other Person: “So touching. This is why the public love you. Well, that and their general poor taste in music” 🙂 

I’ve got some stories to tell. Stay a while and I’ll share them with you…

I watched a strange film the other day.

It was called PROTEIN.

All about this army guy with PTSD who ended up being a homeless loner on civvy street.

He joined the local gym but he was practically skint, so the woman running the place offered him part time work there.

She liked him enough to invite him over to her house and cook him fish fingers and chips. A culinary staple if ever there was one.

He hardly said anything back to her. Rather than it putting her off she just said, “You’re not like most other blokes are ya?”

One of the gym members gave her a hard time so he went to his house, killed him, chopped him up and ate him.

Who said chivalry was dead 🙂

It was interesting that he combined justice outside of the law with his daily caloric intake requirements.

When someone is a bully you don’t mind seeing them ultimately end up in a frying pan, that’s what I say.

I think this really helped with his training anyway.

The characters in the film weren’t fully fleshed out. He mainly ate the bad guys, so you can’t hold that against him.

It was comical in parts, so I’m awarding it 6 Drinking Horns out of 10.

Did Tony ever make it out of that diner? We’ll never know…

I totally agree with JLC on the Minder theme tune. It’s the only one I ever sing to myself whilst walking around a supermarket.

Johnny Vegas is the only internet celebrity I’ve seen admit to using early 2000’s chatrooms.

The Chatroom in question he was in was called “Beauties Castle” (LOL)

A lot of the people in this virtual castle spoke in olde medieval English, despite a percentage of them living in the USA.

His username in the chatroom was ‘unabashed’ and he used to go into this castle, mainly to chat women up.

He even flew to the USA to meet one of them.

He must have got quite addicted to this chatroom because he used to arrange to meet women he was chatting to, in the castle turret.

They had a pub in the castle which he walked in and declared himself the new landlord of and took it upon himself to introduce several guest ales.

The power went to his head and the people frequenting the chatroom took exception to him suggesting a hot tub was not appropriate for a castle setting, so they kicked him out of the chatroom permanently.

Unabashed was no longer welcome in Beauties Castle. Vegas talks about being mentally scarred by this mass rejection from the castle he once called his virtual home (lol).

#badtimes

I found that Finley Quaye song. The one where the people danced at the traffic lights late one night.

Supreme I Preme.

First time I heard this song I didn’t really like it. It’s a bit like mould… it grows on you.

But the night those people danced across the road at those traffic lights is a moment I will never forget…

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