Freshly Spilled Thoughts

Chillaxing in the car with Shaggy…

‘Malarkey’ and ‘Gusset’ are two very good words in the English language.

Anyone who thinks otherwise should be treated with the utmost suspicion. There are so many things you can add a bit of zip to with these words and the audience will generally marvel at their inclusion; some have even been known to swoon.

If ever you should encounter an individual that frowns upon these words, promptly bid them good-day and turn your heel without so much as a second thought.

On the flipside, the word ‘moist’ should never be celebrated, not even in reference to tasting sessions involving carrot cake.

Well, I finished watching Frankenstein on Netflix and it was so far up my alley, they might as well have put 10 skittles at the end of it.

VICTTOOORRRRRR

Say my name. Say my name.

So far, I haven’t seen anything rubbish with Guillermo Del Toro’s name behind it.

Imagine being Dr. Frankenstein though:

Dr: “I’ve created a monster”

Shopkeeper: “Oh that’s nice. Did you do that during the 6 weeks holiday?”

Dr: “No. It’s been an all consuming passion for longer than I care to remember”

Shopkeeper: “Sounds deep. Do you want some potatoes? These are ideal for baking.”

Dr: “No I need to talk about the monster. It’s weighing heavily on my mind”

Shopkeeper: “Oh I see. You’re venting. What’s pre-occupying you so much it’s distracting you from our deals?”

Dr: “The only thing it ever says is VICCTOORRRR. It’s driving me insane and he follows me everywhere”

Shopkeeper: “Victor is you I take it?”

Dr: “Yes. There was a song by Destiny’s Child called Say My Name playing on the radio when I created him and he hasn’t stopped ever since”

Shopkeeper: “Can’t you change your name by deed poll?”

Dr: “That will not help. He just follows me around saying Victor. The low IQ level on display is very disappointing. It’s either that or he’s turned this into a running joke just to torment me.”

Shopkeeper: “Maybe he’s just a slow learner?”

Dr: “I am going to try to create a partner for him and hopefully he will call her Victor instead”

Shopkeeper: “Good luck Dr. Would love to chat longer, but Mrs. Braithwaite has just walked in to pick up her cottage loaf”

You can tell a lot about what someone likes or doesn’t like, just by observing their body language.

The other day I happened to catch about 15 minutes of A Place In The Sun. They were in Spain and it was a couple looking for a holiday home near the beach for less than £100K.

The first property was about 30 minutes from the beach and the woman loved it. I don’t know what the bloke thought, because she just said, “We love it don’t we” and before he had chance to respond she was already putting a bid in with the vendor (lol).

I jest of course. Her eyes lit up as soon as she walked into the front garden and I think she was already deciding on new curtains before she walked in. Nice when something just clicks, isn’t it.

So yes, they seemed to like the first one. The presenter then showed them two near the beach, which is where they said they wanted to be, but they absolutely hated those two properties.

The presenter basically then showed them a carbon copy of the first property. It even had the same tiles in the kitchen (just a different colour).

I still have no idea if he actually liked any of it, but if she was happy he was happy. That was my gist of proceedings.

They put a bid in, which was rejected, so then they bid 1.5K higher which was was accepted.

She couldn’t believe how easy it had all been and broke down in tears. I think she had been expecting to don armour and go into battle to get it.

Bless! To be fair it was a nice property. I wonder if they’d have any objections to me moving in next door.

Dean’s Zoo Chronicles. This time it’s a picture of a majestic primate…

I narrowly lost to this fella in an arm wrestle:

You’d never guess we’re almost in December, would you…

When you’re not even as far into the week as ‘hump day’ yet…

This song was going around in my head earlier…

We’ve only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we’re on our way

I’ve always loved Karen Carpenter’s voice.

‘Cause Solitaire’s the only game in town lol.

Anyhoo…

I started watching Guillermo del Toro’s ‘Frankenstein’ the other day and I think I LIKE it.

Horror is one of those genres I’ve got more into over time. I remember in my 20’s I had a Playstation and I bought Resident Evil, which is a proper eery game (especially with that clock ticking). I started off very intrigued until the dog smashed through the glass when I was playing it in the dark, at which point I thought, “F*ck that”, switched it off and didn’t go down the yellow brick road of Horror again for quite a while.

I have found that people into Horror are some of the nicest people you could ever meet. Funny how that works isn’t it.

I wonder if the ones into Rom Coms are the ones you have to worry about (lol). One of my friends guilty pleasures is a good old rom com. Me? I am open minded about it all as I like anything with Vince Vaughn in and I’ve seen okay films in this genre with the likes of James Gandolfini and Ben Stiller/Aniston in.

Office Space is one of my favourite comedy films of ALL time and even that does have a rom com’ish element in it, whilst also being a stellar film about working at Initech (Is it good for the company?).

Going back to the Horror genre…

Another one of my mates brothers, went out with one of the actresses that was in Wolf Creek. He just plonked that into a conversation as an incidental thing.

The film Hugh Grant was in most recently is a decent psychological horror, even if it is also very creepy.

The only bit that bothered me in Paranormal activity was the bit where the girlfriend got out of bed and stared at the bloke for several hours before getting back into bed again.

That is wrong on so many different levels. A bit like crime in multi-storey car parks.

The worst though, was the time I watched a horror film on my own, then realised I’d left the back door open at night for the entire duration of the film. Bothered? Put it this way, I checked the wardrobes.

Okay, let’s do Monday. We’ve got this, with a bit of help from the Monster Mash…

A picture I took of a giraffe at Twycross Zoo…

(no further explanation required)

I always used to buy S. Pellegrino mineral water and take it to the gym with me.

Someone said to me, “Blimey Dean, you’re a bit posh with your Pellegrino aren’t you?”

I’d never thought about it until he said that. It was at that moment I stared at the bottle and felt slightly posher…

“Yes, it’s Pellegrino. None of this common Volvic for me thanks.”

All of a sudden, I felt vindicated by my unconscious consumer purchase of Pellegrino. I think I’d take it onto a battlefield with me, as I’m of the opinion it adds a certain something when the life-enhancing properties of mineral water are in a pleasing green bottle.

You can be filled with doubt in conflict, when on Volvic and such like, but who’s going to chance their arm against someone that drinks S. Pellegrino mineral water?

Only the bravest of foes, I should say.

“Don’t mess with him, he drinks S. Pellegrino“, they’d bellow.

News of this would spread far and wide.

All I can say is I’ve never ran into trouble carring a bottle of this stuff with me, so it must be my equivalent of a lucky charm.

I put the bottle down on the treadmill the other day and someone next to me looked at it. Probably in awe (lol).

Anyway, that’s my Silly Sunday update.

Here’s a picture of me without any mineral water…

‘Cause the water in Majorca don’t taste like what it oughta.

A funny thing happened to me last night. I was walking out to my car and I had something resembling a flashback in time (or a feeling) of somewhere I used to go regularly, but haven’t really been that way for many years.

I had no intention of going there of course as I was heading somewhere else. I was also a bit pressed for time, which makes the next bit more unexplicable.

I got in the car, turned on the radio and set off. Without realising it I was in autopilot mode, some 20 minutes later with no recollection of the route for that chunk of time, other than the fact I was automatically half way to the place I had the flashback about.

When I “woke up” again, I actually laughed out loud at my autopilot ineptitude. Took a U-turn and retraced my route like someone coming back from a trance.

Honestly, I totally believe those stories where someone says they went out to get milk and somehow ended up halfway to Scotland.

[Set Scene]: Bloke from Birmingham drives to Scotland after just nipping out to grab some milk from the shop down the road.

“Where you been, hun? I thought you were just getting milk?? Did you go to a farm to do it by hand or something? You’ve been gone 14 hours and now we have no teabags left either. We’re also down 1 bottle of wine, 2 dinners and a whole evening.”

“Erm. I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’ve completely lost the plot… *deep breath*… Edinburgh.”

*hyooge exhale*

“Edinburgh!!!??? Who are you? Michael Palin?”

“Yes, I thought I’d brush up on my Scottish. Och aye! The good news is I’m back now and I got the milk. Ta-da!”

*presents quite a lovely 2 litre bottle of semi-skimmed*

“I’m sure you’ll agree it’s a rather fine bottle, if ever there was one.”

“Right, that’s it. From now on we make do with Marvel.”

Might as well grab a haggis while you’re there, that’s what I say.

Have you ever done that? Drive somewhere on autopilot without consciously intending to, I mean…

(Bonus points if you grabbed a haggis en route)

I drove to my old place of work once as well once, instead of going to the supermarket.

Imagine walking in, sitting at your old desk after years away, and just cracking on with your day like nothing happened. There must be people who’ve done that or been very close to it.

It’s somewhat reminiscent of  the old Fools and Horses episode where Del tells Rodney, “Bruv, you don’t live here anymore”. At which point, he snaps back into the land of the living and rushes back to Cassandra (who was no doubt waiting for him with a rolling pin).

Amazing how a memory spark can hijack your entire car journey without asking permission first.

Seeing as it’s cold enough to freeze the blue bits off a blue tit, I think it’s high time I threw in a few ‘cold’ jokes. When I say cold, I don’t mean the audience.

“It’s so cold out I just keyed someone’s car with my nipples by accident.”

“It’s so cold out, the local flasher has resorted to describing himself and leaving the rest to the imagination.”

“It’s so cold out, the cows are farting snowflakes.”

And if you think those are bad, you should see the 100 or so I decided against adding here 🙂

Let’s play out this Saturday update with Roy Orbison’s ‘I Drove All Night’.

In my case, I drove all night just to end up where I should have been in the first place…

I never wrote this but it’s true:

“Your mind is the soil, and your thoughts are the seeds.

Shame about Mani from Stone Roses. RIP. Here’s what is probably my favourite Stone Roses track.

It’s called Fools Gold and it was featured in the series, “This Is England” by Shane Meadows…

Twas a nice Thursday afternoon interlude…

…freezing but sunny.

Hue’s graffiti was still there…

I sometimes see deers run out of here. This is like a local version of Narnia…

Just me today though 🙂

One for the road at the end…

Burn it off tomorrow!

As Ice Cube once said, “Today was a good day.”

Old pic of me with my grandfather. I didn’t know this photo existed for years.

One day I will write about him…

I’m working until lunchtime today, then I am taking the afternoon off.

I quite fancy having a stroll somewhere out in the open, catch a few rays while we got ’em, then grabbing a meal from a pub.

Ideally steak but without Ed Sheeran…

…sounds like a plan, Dean.

I watched a bit of Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here again last night.

Ruby Wax gets a ‘pass’ in the camp because of her comedy. Look how she brings the women together. Hilarious and I remain a fan.  Comedy brings people together.

Jack Osbourne is a surprisingly well sorted bloke, given his background. Very grounded guy, all things considered.

Kelly Brook continues to arrange/display her top shelf at every opportunity, undeterred by the creepy crawlies.

Lisa Riley confessed to routinely drinking 3 bottles of Malbec a night and 40 cigarettes before going cold turkey. Wow, that is insane. I’ve only ever drunk that much once in my life and I never intend on repeating it.

When I got up the next day, the people I was with thought Lazarus had risen and somehow I still managed to eat breakfast.

Imagine drinking 21 bottles of Malbec a week and saying, “I enjoy the odd drink” as 20 odd bottles clink their way into the recycling bin :). She must be in the Malbec drinkers ‘Hall of Fame’.

I don’t know how someone holds down gainful employment with a routine like that. Amazing what stressors the body can deal with just to ensure survival.

I often see a bloke going up the road chuffing away on a cigarette like Andy Capp, on his way to the pub. I get the social aspect, but it’s no way to live is it. In my head he’s a walking cartoon strip.

Martin Kemp – Didn’t realise he’d had two brain tumours in the past. Caused a bit of a shockwave in camp and I don’t think he shared it for attention either. With his hairdo I wasn’t expecting to feel emotional, but there it is. I doff my cap to Mr. Kemp.

The sun has got his hat on hip-hip-hip hooray
The sun has got his hat on
And he’s coming out today

My lyrics aimed at a UK audience would sort of spoil it….

Don’t forget to also carry an umbrella
Because it may well rain, while you’re filled with glee
And if you find yourself getting caught short
You should have written this lyric down, by me.

It’s a toss-up what my favourite red wine is but this one comes pretty close:

It’s an Italian dry red called Valpolicella Ripasso, and I first stumbled across it about three years ago in an Italian restaurant.

If you look in supermarkets there’s usually only one or two brands of it on the shelf.

We’d spent ages trying to find somewhere to eat because everywhere was fully booked, but we walked into this place on a whim and somehow got a table. The food was unreal. One of those nights where everything just lines up.

The waiter was typically Italian and managed to insult most of the table by recommending dessert while pointing at his own belly. He even acted it out, which sent everyone with a bit of waistline anxiety into mild panic.

You know when you go into a restaurant and unexpectedly end up having the perfect evening? The kind where the food lands on the table and you just think, “Yes. This is it.”

I definitely savoured the Valpolicella. Ended up pleasantly three-sheets-to-the-wind by the end of the night. Worth it though.

I once bought a bottle for a mate and accidentally grabbed the most expensive one on the shelf because I was in a rush. I asked him what it was like and he said he didn’t know because his wife drank it.

Typical. I bet it was gorgeous. Is wine-envy a thing? It should be.

Next time we all ended up in another restaurant for steak. Now, it’s hard to get steak wrong, but they somehow managed it. They also played Ed Sheeran all the way through the meal which, in my opinion, is a form of purgatory.

One of us complained and they refunded the entire meal, which was well over £100. I didn’t expect that to happen given that I still ate all of mine. That was the funny part, handing the plates back like the food was sub-par when I’d polished mine off. You didn’t even need to run it through a dishwasher 🙂

Welcome to Hump Day! We made it 🙂

Today it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey, isn’t it.

I used to work with a guy who called Wednesdays “Island Day”, because he said it was like being marooned.

“Marooned on an island?”, I asked.

“Yes. Wednesday is like being marooned on an island. The feel-good factor from the last weekend is a fading memory, and the next one coming up is still too far off to get excited about.”

“Island Day, huh?”

Safe to say he lived for weekends.

Sometimes I’d grab him a drink from the canteen. When I asked what he wanted, he always replied, “I don’t care as long as it’s wet.”

(I often wondered if he used the same line walking into a bar.)

“Just something wet then?”

“Yes, that’ll do.”

Unfortunately I could never find any otters in the canteen.