Freshly Spilled Thoughts

Some days I miss lyrical rap like this. Rap that made you feel something…

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright by Naughty By Nature

“Cause I’m Naughty By Nature, not ’cause I hate ya”.

Bradbury recommends picking out a bunch of nouns and then just writing about the one that creates a spark.

The one that jumped out at me was “The Forgotten Key”

My first attempt at an intro was:

The forgotten key was something that he’d only ever heard his dad talk about in passing. The old man was legendary at spinning a yarn and nothing got in the way of a good story, so he didn’t think it was actually real. Not in a million years! Until that day he discovered it hiding underneath an old dusty picnic blanket in the dark corner of the loft. He shouldn’t have even been in there crouching beneath the roof beams, and he’d surely get into big trouble if anyone found out. It was weighty and magnificent in his hand. He stood there for a minute imagining what a key such as this would open. A mighty chest full of treasure? A door to an inner sanctum of some kind? Should he ask his dad about it when he comes home from work or keep this to himself, at least for now?

Moments later there was a loud yet familiar noise outside. The screech of the brakes on his dad’s old Ford pickup. “Shit! He’s gonna kill me.” 

You read some funny things in YouTube comments and Amazon reviews.

Take this for example on the song “Black & Yellow” by Wiz Khalifa:

“When I was a kid, I listened to this for the first time. I heard Wiz say “You know what it is” and I cried because I didn’t know what it was.“

*chortle*

Reminds me of the time I was reading a review on coconut foot cream and one person wrote (paraphrased):

“I used this on my greyhound’s feet and it worked like a charm. So well, in fact, that it won the race. Highly recommended.” 

Still makes me laugh now.

That’s enough hilarity for one day. Until next time.

I watched a somewhat disturbing film the other day called “Speak No Evil”.

I mainly watched it because James Mcavoy is in it as he doesn’t often disappoint.

(I discovered afterwards that the director is the same guy that did Eden Lake, which is one of the most unrelenting horror films of all time).

It’s all about this couple from London that go on holiday to Italy. Whilst there, they meet and befriend another couple who live in a farmhouse down in Devon.

When they return back to London they get an invite from this couple to go and stay at their farmhouse.

And that’s about all I can say about it other than it’s not a normal weekend away and it’s put me off staying at relative-strangers houses for the rest of my life.

So if you need me, you’ll find me in a castle with the bolts slid firmly across the door hewn from solid oak, with a handy dagger nestled under my pillow.

This is one for people that like awkwardness, tension and nail biting.

If you like this film, it’s a fair hunch that you will also like another one called Calibre.

Don’t forget to lock your back door before you watch any of these, which is something I forgot to do once. As a result, as a precaution I had to check all the rooms and wardrobes whilst brandishing a makeshift weapon, which was actually a small statue of a horse.

You couldn’t make it up.

The ‘tiny horse just in case’ video here, created by moi, is uncannily accurate…

Ray Bradbury says the great secret to writing is excitement, in that when you’re writing something you want to share with the world, you have to be excited about it.

The reader can tell if you’re not.

He believed that thinking is not what is required to write, but to feel.

He said that if you write as fast as you can, you prevent intellectual hesitation and capture raw truth.

Love, fear and hate are the primary drivers for anything worthy of excitement.

For me joy can be found in the flow state. The part where you stop thinking and revel in the art of doing.

I first experienced this as a child at the age of 8 when my dad came home from work with a computer game.

I loaded it up and got lost in it for many hours. I forgot to eat.

Nothing else mattered.

That’s why Matthew Smith is one of my heroes. It was the first time I remember experiencing something that captured my attention and imagination in such a profound way.

It’s a good lesson from Bradbury.

Write with excitement. Don’t think… and where possible, try to be joyous 🙂

Repeat the mantra.

One of my pet hates is having to plug things in to charge them.

I don’t even like plugging phones in every day.

I remember the wonder years when I could plug a T9 phone in, charge it once and then forget about it for 2 weeks.

We were winning at life and we didn’t even realise it.

Now everyone walks around with phones the size of paving slabs that are so power hungry, they need to be plugged in like someone suffering with OCD just to make it to the end of the day.

“Thank f*ck for that, I got to the end of the day without dipping below 20 percent. Heaven forbid.”

Earlier I was using bluetooth headphones and a robot voice warned me, “Battery low”

“Oh fuck off. I don’t want a job working for my own headphones.”

It’s the main reason I’ll never buy an electric car.

I went in a Tesla a few months ago and it had no soul. Just an electric display on the dashboard like some Frankenstein love child of Elon Musk.

I like a multitude of buttons I can press, just to see what they do.

I enjoy turning dials and manually adjusting whatever it is I feel inclined to fiddle with.

I’m a child of the 80’s that likes to have a good prod, if you’ll pardon the expression.

I don’t think progress is having to plug a car in like some kind of umbilical cord.

“We have a solution to petrol and diesel” 

“What is it?”

“Well, you know how at the moment we can fill cars up with fuel and drive off in seconds?”

“Yes. I find it handy.”

“We’ve made something you can plug in that you have to wait around hours for it just to charge.”

“But isn’t that slower?”

“Yes. It’s slow as molasses.”

“What’s good about it?”

“Zero emissions and a lot of stuff eco warriors seem to like.”

“But don’t Boeing 747’s run on shit tons of fuel?”

“Yes.”

“Are we going to make them electric? Seems pointless otherwise… all those planes flying around while we’re in electric Lego cars.”

“No.”

“Huh?”

“We’ll market it as something that makes people feel good about themselves. We’ll tell them it lowers their carbon footprint. Eventually they’ll be buying vegan sandals and converting from beef to tofu. Trust me.”

“But are we going to still fly first class, selling these chumps all these electric vehicles they have to plug in every day for the rest of their lives”

“You bet your ass we will.”

“Hey. You still got that classic V6 Alfa Romeo in the garage?”

“God yes.”

I’m just thankful we don’t have to plug ourselves in every two minutes.

When I’m low on energy I just eat a Satsuma.

Why don’t we have cars that run on oranges instead.

The man from Del Monte would love it.

The best thing about being 19 is that you can literally live all day on a banana.

Want to buy Toffifee and live on that all day as as a student? You can.

I did.

I bought mine from Woolworth’s.

But a time comes when you need real food…

Like chicken, eggs and broccoli, or you’ll run like a bad lawnmower.

One day in the future, you’ll find yourself in a queue next to a 19 year old kid in a supermarket and you see they only came in to buy 6 fairy cakes.

Teenagers look at your asparagus and wonder how anyone could voluntarily eat such a thing.

They frown at leeks, shudder at kale and cower in the company of brussels sprouts.

Meanwhile, they’ll undoubtedly eat all those fairy cakes in one sitting when they get home.

They don’t know it, but it is at that exact moment in life they are living the dream.

Limitless energy, 6 fairy cakes and oblivious to caloric or nutritional requirements.

The only thing that tops this is an infinity pool in an exotic country with a chorus line of showgirls at the other end.

That’s a topic for another day 😉

We made it to Wednesday.

What legends we are.

Seriously (as Simon Cowell might say).

On Friday we will be 2 days ahead of the ‘memory island’ that is Wednesday and the weekend will tantalise us with its wares.

Then Monday will rear its ugly head again.

But it’s okay, because we will have another opportunity to be legends again.

It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

I took a picture with an old backup phone while I was out the other day (there is a reason for this I won’t explain here)

It looks great on the phone but it’s a washed out representation of me by the time it ended up off there and on here…

Ladies and Gents I present to you, “Mega Blur Man”.

Tal Bachman released a song called “She’s So High”, way back in 1999.

I bought the single.

I don’t know how many times I listened to that song, but it must be at least a couple of hundred times.

I forgot about it for years, then remembered it again the other day.

It’s a very nostalgic song for me.

The words themselves don’t resonate particularly, it’s more the poetic energy it evokes.

It reminds me of a time when I would stay up until birds were twittering outside and being in touch with a version of myself I never really want to lose sight of.

A higher state of consciousness, perhaps.

This is worth a quick watch. Cast of awkward yet legendary sitcom, “The Office” reflect on the series 25 years later…

Cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels, doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, these are a few of my favourite things.

Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one that saves me
And after all
You’re my wonderwall

I first heard Wonderwall in an Indian supermarket whilst looking for Guava juice.

I bet you’ve never heard anyone say that before.

The England fans have picked up on it as an anthem for this years World Cup.

It’s a great thing to sing when you’re half pissed anyway, which I think is the true measure of a songs longevity 🙂

“Thank you for this song. Does it go well with lager?”

“Yes, I highly recommend listening to it whilst partaking in one or more pints of Pilsner.”

“Interesting. I would like to doff my hat in gratitude for the beverage-based wisdom you have so kindly imparted.”

One day I may write a blog post about what some songs/albums mean to me, including Anthems For Doomed Youth by The Libertines.

But for now, that’s all she wrote.

I somehow managed to acquire a cold/chest infection.

So far I’ve swam twice with it and I’ve even run with it.

Probably shouldn’t have, but I still did because I’m stubborn.

The running was the worst. There was one point where I felt like I had no air to share with the rest of my body, and there was someone reading a book next to me, so I couldn’t cough away to my hearts content.

I like reading, but I don’t see the point in reading a book when you’re exercising.

I mean, people don’t have sex and then start reading a brochure at the same time, do they.

“Ooh Lanzarote looks nice at this time of year in this catalogue”, she said.

Then again, maybe some people do.

I know someone who used to watch soaps while all this was going on, so anything is possible.

“Just catching up with Eastenders. Don’t mind me”.

I’m at the tail end of it now and starting to feel decidedly human again.

Thank the lord.

England play tonight. They’re up against it but it will be entertaining while it lasts.

I’m not really into football but I love the World Cup. It’s like a tradition to me and it all started in 1986 when I bought a Panini sticker album and filled it up. I was king of the swaps in the playground that year.

Yeah, I guess football does bring the nation together at this level, so it’s all good. We never actually win the thing, but I think it’s supposed to be that way with the elation and disappointment just as we fall at the final hurdle.

It’s a British thing.

There’s always that glimmer of hope though that we can pull it off.

As the actress once said to the bishop.

And the world keeps turning.

The lift insisted this was thirteen.

Playing around with the idea of using AI for short reel comedy…

1st ever attempt:

You know those people that annoyingly waltz around going, “I love this weather.”

They need to bring back capital punishment for those people

Just feed them to the alligators

“What’s that you say? You love your face melting off in extreme humidity?”

“Do you also like running over hot coals and forging steel in a foundry for a bit of a laugh?”

“Excuse me while I just pull this lever.”

Good things about the Summer:

* Lighter nights

* Sunshine with a breeze

* Ice cream

* Butterflies

* Things cooling down at the end of the day

* Cold showers

Bad things about the Summer:

* Your face melts off in heatwaves

* Walking to the fridge causes severe dehydration. Some people don’t even make it. Lest we forget.

* People that say they love this weather whilst looking joyous

* Not being able to put a jumper on when it’s cold, so you can get warmer

* Chocolate melting in your hand when you’re waiting at bus stops

I think it was the late Sean Hughes that used to get annoyed by people that were happy first thing in the morning. You know, the types that get out of bed, do a star jump and say, “Let’s slay the day, you absolute star”, whilst looking in the mirror at their own reflection. It works in America, but not in the UK :).

He said something along the lines of: “Nobody should be happy before they’ve even had breakfast. When you wake up you’re supposed to be miserable, what is wrong with these people? Why don’t they know this?”

We should be able to turn down the dial on the sun, in the same way you can do so with an oven. I don’t know why nobody has invented this yet.

“Don’t worry darling, I’ve just turned down the Sun to Gas Mark 4 and we’re all going to have a lovely evening.”

“Fabulous. I’ve just squeezed the lemons for the lemonade.”

Someone then has to do a cartwheel to be as carefree as you can be on a Summers day. Fin.