Ever said yes to something after imbibing alcohol… and wondered if you’d regret it later? Yeah, this is that story…
A Few Beers Is All It Takes
I was out one night with a couple of friends, having a few beers, and we got to talking about the ‘next adventure’. The last one they did was jumping out of a plane. One of them broke his leg when he landed, although he didn’t realise this at the time and walked on a broken leg for a week (what a legend). With that box ticked off for them, we were talking about what else we could do together. After deciding against wing walking, several jars down the line we decided we could go on a zip wire.
Now just to be clear here, my idea of a zip wire in my head was basically something like Go Ape. In the world of Dean I’m hanging on with my hands as I admire the scenery each side, imagining I am tarzan swinging through the jungle. Ideally I’m hanging about to have a chat with Jayne, and Cheetah is sorting out the lunch while I’m on my way down.
That’s what I thought I was agreeing to, so I said, “YES. Let’s do a Zip Wire”, with all the confidence of a well-fed lion.
100 Miles Per Hour On Velocity Was The Reality
Once it was booked up, I realised I was actually going on the fastest zip wire in the world, above a quarry in Wales. How did that happen and how had I just signed my life away? It was a few months before we were booked to go, so I imagined what this would be like. Near me there is an aqueduct wall by a canal you can half climb up and look over. It’s absolutely terrifying when you look down, but I forced myself to do it in an attempt to get used to the idea of being at a crazy height.
Some time later I checked out the videos of people on this zip wire and the thing I didn’t like the idea of was being fish-hooked onto the wire. I wasn’t scared of going 100 miles per hour, it was the idea of someone messing up the hook as they casually observe me falling to my doom. I was getting carried away with my thoughts. “Stop it, Dean. Everything will be okay”, I said to myself.
After that thought I spent the next few months contemplating my mortality and enjoying my breakfast more, just in case it was one of the last ones (lol).
Off We Went To The Quarry: 6 Hours In A Van
The time had come, so we headed off at about 3pm on a Friday afternoon and the traffic was absolutely mental. The drivers in Birmingham are crazy on Fridays, but once we were out of the West Midlands we made pretty good progress… until we didn’t.
Check out this nose-bleed of a traffic jam:
It was the kind of gridlock that would test the patience of a saint and it extended our travelling time from 4 hours to around 6 by the time we got there.
There was still time for a bit of banter on the way, however:
And the castle looked very pretty at night, it was the one on Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, apparently. It was hard to get any decent photos of it though:
It was a lonnnggg drive. By the time we arrived it was pitch black and all any of us were thinking about after that was food and drink.
The woman in the hotel pub was a fine example of someone that had thrown away the customer service handbook. She didn’t really want to serve us. The staff in there were more interested in the idea of clocking off early. No food available to order and so we went for what anyone in their right mind would choose. Beer and nuts.
Amazing how much you take food for granted until there’s none available. There was nowhere to buy food from in miles so we ordered a a takeaway Domino’s pizza for 36 quid. Remind me to buy shares in that company.
Warm Up On The Aero Explorer
Instead of going straight in with the Velocity zip wire, we went on something they call the Aero Explorer, which looked like childs play compared with the big zip wire. You can see it here in the photo behind us:
This thing was up my alley. Put simply, you hang onto two pieces of rope attached to a harness which then flies along an overhead track at up to 30mph.
When you first start off you have to run yourself and then jump blind. That’s the only thing that made me hesitate and the first time I went to run off it I stopped and had to compose myself, because it’s literally a leap of faith as you can’t see what’s over the edge until you’ve jumped.
After that inertia takes over and you whizz around the track, with some walking bits in between. So far, so good.
Next Up – The Baby Zip Wire
Before they send you off to Velocity, they give you a sort of warm-up run which I like to call the baby zip wire. It’s a smaller zip wire that is lower down, altitude wise, and I guess it’s designed to get people used to the whole thing. I found this one fine.
Up The Quarry To Velocity
Once all that’s over they pile you into a specially designed truck that is designed to go up steep inclines. It takes quite a while to get to the top where the big zip wire is so if you’re nervous, this is the point where the suspense can start to kick in. It all depends on how you handle the idea of wires and heights really lol.
About To Do The Velocity Thing
Once you’re off the truck, you end up in the queue of doom, waiting for your turn to be strapped up on a fish hook and blasted off down a zip wire at 100mph. If you have any nerves, this is the point that they kick in, but by this stage I was pretty okay about it as I’d already been on the mini one.
They gave me goggles to put on which I adjusted and somehow broke, so I was the only one standing there with a knackered pair of goggles. I had images of flying along a zip wire at 100mph with no eye protection, which is the only thing that unsettled me. What a twat I am, I thought to myself.
Fortunately for me, a nice bloke sorted out my goggles and all was well with the world again whilst being in a queue. Happy days, our kid. When you get to the front you can see how high up it looks in the photo below.
They put you on a hydraulic thingy and after connecting you up to what I always refer to as the fish-hook, they lower it and it takes your body weight. This is what stops you being nervous as you know that thing is definitely holding your weight before you set off.
Being strapped into that thing with goggles and a silly hat on is an unflattering thing to put on video, but I can’t really write a whole blog post about being on a zip wire and not actually post some footage of me on the thing.
Here’s the weird thing though, apart from the waiting around and the initial surge when you go (the bit where I went “fuck”) the rest of it is so smooth it’s like watching a movie. If the line snapped it wouldn’t feel quite so delightful, but they test the line with plastic cows so it’s less risky than a ride at the gypsy fair, put it that way. I would describe it as a serene experience, with some nice scenery thrown in.
Anyway, here’s me on the zip wire:
Look how blue and inviting that water is 🙂 Couldn’t you just swim in it right now?
Once I’d reached the other end I realised I was still alive, which was very pleasing to me. At the moment I’m very attached to the idea of living, so this was most welcome.
Arriving at the other end intact meant I didn’t regret it. Actually, it had all been rather lovely, as John Le Mesurier once said.
I had a pulled-pork burger for lunch. It’s not often you get to write that so I haven’t missed the opportunity here. Ooh it’s so tempting to come up with a double entendre but I’m going to resist.
As an addendum I have to say that Google is as brazen as you like when you ask it anything about pulled pork. I only include the below for reference and is not intended to tarnish the editorial content of this blog post:
Oh my lord, the last one is a classic. Let’s move on while we can…
Life’s a Beach
After that we skidaddled and found a gem of a place which looked like a bunch of houses and a pub in the middle, situated next to a beach. Everyone was so friendly there that, to me, it was like going back in time. I noticed that people even had their front doors open, presumably to advertise low crime rates.
Here endeth the zip wire story.
Would I Recommend It?
If you’re ever thinking of doing a fast zip wire, it’s not half as bad as it sounds. Even if you’re scared of heights you should still be fine. Just make sure they hook you in properly or you’ll plummet to your doom and that really is not good if you’re planning a decent meal out later in the day 🙂
If you’re a real adrenaline junkie that likes to be scared, I would probably say do something more extreme, but if you fancy the idea of being a bird without wings and whizzing along a smooth-as-butter wire in serene fashion, then it’s worth ticking off the box to say you did it once.
Don’t forget the pulled pork at the end. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Thanks for reading and I’ll see you in the next one.
I’m going to play this one out Gunga Din by the Libertines for no reason other than the fact I love the album, “Anthems For Doomed Youth” and I like the fact that Pete Doherty once set up his own private detective agency